Go and Stand in the Corner, You’ll be Staying Behind Tonight

This catchy little phrase was rather popular back in the day. It was code for informing unfortunate miscreants of the gentler sex that they were due for a spanking.

This kind of pompous British post-war rhetoric has always enthralled me (remember we had only just finished rationing and rickets were still commonplace; but so were mini-skirts … lol). Although I must confess that the thrall would have somewhat dimmed if such nonsense had been directed at yours truly which would have given me a serious dose of the pip. However, the male specie was generally treated with much less decorum and it was commonplace for them to be unceremoniously yanked out of their seats and slammed face downwards across their desks so that instant retribution could be dispatched.

Now I suppose there are pro’s and con’s to both approaches. The former is swift and over with quickly, the latter involves a more prolonged process.

The theory was that it spared the young ladies the indignity of having their bottoms smacked in public. However, it was not without its share of ignominy. Being forced to cross the room and take up station facing the wall with your hands on your head is unlikely to be an uplifting or inspiring experience, particularly when you know that everybody else in the room also has access to the secret code and is well aware that you are going to be head down, arse up in the not too distant future.

Sadly the classrooms had curtains that could be drawn across the windows in the doors and besides getting caught unsupervised on the premises after last bell was a caning offense so even the ever-enterprising R Humphries never got to witness any of the action.

We used to mooch about in the local recreation ground after school but it has to be said that gals who had been kept back for a spanking were generally noticeable by their absence. In an environment where corporal punishment was commonplace they probably figured that the incident would have been forgotten by the following morning (not by R Humphries … lol).

Discussion about caning and spanking was not unusual amongst the lads but rarely mentioned by the gals. I have often made reference to my old friend Penny, who was the naughtiest gal in the school. Despite the fact that she was allowed to ‘hang out’ with us lads and even played football on the team (she was a fantastic goalie) she was adamantly closed-lipped about her many trials and tribulations in the disciplinary department. Personally I think this is a crying shame because if anybody was able to offer valuable insights and revelations into the nerve-wracking experience of ‘corner time’ then Pen was definitely the gal.

An opportunity long gone and sadly lost. Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Riding Crops, Jodhpurs and Spankings in the Stables

Well a big thank-you to everybody who has stopped by at the Woodettes Storefront and taken advantage of the 3 day sale of Downloads of Volumes 2-5 of the Woody Back to School Unit (I am still trying to offer the same deal on Volume 1 but am not getting any response from the host web-site).

It is hardly surprising that tack-rooms and stables have long been a popular staple of spanking magazines for many years. The vision of a comely rear end being paraded around in form-fitting jodhpurs offers considerable possibilities for the average spanko. In the early days of the spanking internet a gentlemen named Doctor Dragoon hosted a site purely dedicated to equestrian spanking. He appears have disappeared into the cyber-ether which is a great shame as his contributions to the community were considerable. I originally found both of these images on the good doctor’s site and I have no idea of their artistic provenance.

The stables and the equestrian-set play a central role in the Woody Back to School Unit stories. Several of the inmates were internationally renowned horsewomen before their lives were rudely interrupted by being dispatched to the facility for a seven year social rehabilitation program without the possibility of parole. The stables are also the playground of Nixdown Nixon, the unit’s resident degenerate, where she acts as hostess at her legendary recreational spanking trysts with her lover Penelope Ann Evans and other sundry playmates.

Penny Ann’s chums are concerned when she takes up with the rampantly promiscuous Nix whose reputation for monogamy is less than stellar. Nonetheless, they are relieved when Nicola Jane appears to remain faithful to Pen.

As I have mentioned in earlier posts Nixdown’s character is based on my old chum Nicola Jane (not her real name btw) who was also rampantly promiscuous and never made any secret of her bi-sexuality. Personally I always thought that her same sex relationships were by far the more successful but that is neither here nor there. The character of Penelope Ann is based on a partner she remained relatively faithful too for some years. It was an interesting dynamic.

Nix enjoyed punishment and pain in the privacy of her boudoir but she was not by nature in any way submissive. In fact Nix could be described as being downright bossy. Nix stands five feet on tip toes in stockinged feet and looked like she might weigh eighty pounds with two house-bricks in her blazer pockets. Pen on the other hand was a tall and statuesque English rose. In public Nix was the dominant party but in private, as best as I understand, it was Nix who generally went over the knee.

It was Nix who first introduced me to the riding crop as a disciplinary toy. Her father was an auteur and she was brought up on an impressive estate where she learned to ride at an early age. One time, when I was staying at the family pile, she showed me her collection of vintage and contemporary crops. Some were merely associated with her riding activities but others she explained with a gleam in her eye were for other purposes. Sadly she did not allow me to try any out on her but a few days later she did generously turn up for dinner with a black leather braided crop with an over-sized slapper as a gift.

I have since acquired several crops and My Beloved Jojo says that they each have a unique personality and differing sensations. This type of information is critical to a spanking writer so I felt compelled to carry out extensive research in this matter much to the detriment of Jojo’s poor beleaguered bum.

A well-designed riding crop is constructed from a long shaft of fiberglass or cane which is covered in leather, fabric, or similar material. The rod of a crop thickens at one end to form a handle, and terminates in a thin, flexible tress such as wound cord or a leather tongue. The thin end is perfectly designed to make crisp contact with an upturned pair of jodhpurs with just a well-controlled flick of the wrist. There are many outlets, both conventional and unconventional, which provide a wide variety and style of crops for those amongst our community who wish to experiment.

The following is an extract from the Woody Back to School Unit saga which features Nixdown and her chums enjoying a celebratory spanking session in the stables.

“Are you really sure that you’re ready for this?” asked Jojo.

Nixdown’s eye’s twinkled. “I’ve been almost three weeks without any action,” she grinned salaciously. “What do you think?”

“Oh Nix, you are such a degenerate,” smiled Jojo affectionately. “But, you are such a beautiful degenerate.”

Nicola Jane Nixon winked at her best chum.

Three weeks earlier Nicola Jane Nixon had been the victim of an ambush by the Confederacy of Yoofs. Her horse had been shot with a pellet, discharged from a high powered air rifle, while she was out riding on the Downs. As Nix struggled to calm her horse, Confucius, a second shot had hit her in the shoulder causing her to be thrown.

Although she had only been battered and bruised, her doctor’s had forbidden her from participating in spanking activities for several weeks. Not unreasonably Nixdown, who was a notoriously belligerent cove by nature, had staged a sit-down strike and insisted on being ferried around the facility in a wheelchair until the sanction was lifted.

Nixdown had selected a provocative micro-mini gymslip that barely covered her bumbags from her extensive clobber collection. As she had sauntered across the quadrangle the Woody Wags exchanged glances and winked at each other.

“She’s back,” they whispered.

Nixdown entered the stable and closed the door behind her. She approached Penny Ann and Suzy and came to a halt. She placed her hands on top of her head.

“I’m back,” she said quietly.

“She’s back,” grinned Penelope Ann Evans.

“She’s back,” nodded Miss Suzy Scott.

Penelope Ann Evans looked striking in a white double breasted Irish linen show-shirt that Nixdown had bought her after they had won the championship at the National Horse Trials. She had on form-fitting black breeches and a pair of elasticated ankle boots. Her bundle of blonde curls was piled up under a silk Duchess of Beaufort dress top hat. She wore black leather riding gloves and slapped a vintage riding crop into the palm of her hand.

Nixdown thought Penny Ann Evans looked magnificent.

Suzy Scott was dressed in a black silk singlet and tiny turquoise satin running shorts that showed off her honed and toned body and the discrete tattoos on her shoulders and calves.

Suzy was holding a violin bow that Nixdown had commissioned from Heiko Wunderlich, the master bow maker based in the Markneukirchen region of Germany. It was crafted from a moderately firm and rounded pernambuco wood. It sported a silver-mounted ebony frog with a pearl eye set into a silver ring. Weighing in at sixty grams it was ideally balanced for delivering Suzy’s signature super weal.

The stables were dimly lit by tall candles in silver holders. Penny Ann had set out several ice-buckets filled with bottles of Nixdown’s favorite tipple, a 1996 Veuve Cliquet Grand Damme.

Nixdown approached Penny Ann. Without being requested she raised her arms and linked her hands on top of her head.

Penny Ann stepped forward and began to inspect Nicola Jane’s red and black striped blazer for signs of imperfections.

Once she was completed she told Nix to, “Remove your blazer and lower your bib.”

Nixdown took her hands off her head and unfastened the top button of her blazer. She shrugged it off and set it aside. She reached up and unfastened the buttons on the shoulders of her gymslip, letting the bib fall downwards. She took the shaft of her tie and laid it over her left shoulder. She returned her hands to the top of her head and stared straight ahead.

Penelope Ann Evans set aside the riding crop and removed her black gloves. She stepped up to Nixdown and slowly circled her.

Suzy Scott sat down on a bale of hay and sipped a glass of the champagne.

Penny Ann came back around to the front of Nix and leaned forward. She began to carefully inspect each individual button down the front of Nix’s blouse, rolling them between her fingers and checking the stitching. Just as meticulously Penny Ann inspected every seam and hem of Nicola Jane’s clobber. Nixdown just continued to stare straight ahead without blinking.

Nicola Jane Nixon’s backside was burning furiously and she was grinning like a Cheshire cat. The lovers had commenced the evening’s activities with Nixdown spread out across Penny Ann’s lap for a moderately warm hand spanking, but had quickly progressed to a six-stroke whipping with the leather crop.

They had taken a short break to sip champagne but Nix was keen to proceed to the next stage of her comeback.

Penny Ann leaned back on a bale of hay and sighed. She had half-heartedly tried to dissuade Nixdown from over-extending herself after her three week cool-arse lay-off but her lover had just laughed at her.

“I can take a twelve stroke bare bender standing on my head,” she assured Penny Ann.

Pen had been forced to chuckle. “I doubt very much that you’ll be standing on your head, sweetie,” she had observed.

Suzy Scott moved a hand-crafted thirty-seven- inch high Maplewood saddle stand into the center of the stable. She placed a walnut stained leather Sheridan saddle, with a seventeen inch seat, over the stand.

The seat of the saddle was a perfect fit for Nixdown’s tiny frame as she bent over. Her bottom sat up proud and prominent. Even though she couldn’t reach the ground on the far side she felt comfortable. The smell of freshly polished leather was quite intoxicating.

Suzy Scott carefully turned back the skirt of Nix’s gymslip and then slipped her bumbags down behind her knees. She took up position and tapped the violin bow down on Nixdown’s naked nates.

It was the general consensus amongst the members of the Woody community that keeping a safe distance between their rear ends and Suzy’s bow was prudent practice.

Since her appointment Suzy had garnered rave reviews on the GalGab web-site and was consistently ranked amongst the hottest whoppers on campus.

The prospect of volunteering to be beaten on the bare bum by Suzy Scott would have seemed a tad reckless to even the most whop-hardened minx.

Nicola Jane wiggled her bottom saucily. She felt perfectly relaxed and content bent across the saddle. Behind her she heard the ominous whistle of pernambuco wood slicing through the air.

The bow sliced across the sweet spot of Nixdown’s swollen derrière with the accuracy of a heat-seeking missile. Nixdown groaned with pleasure.

If you liked the extract go to the Woodettes Storefront and BUY THE BOOK’s! You will not be disappointed! Lol! Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Woodys Hits 10,000 and Announces Three-Day Half-Price Book Sale

Remarkably my hit-counter just clicked over to five figures after just two months and fifty posts.

This may not seem a lot when compared to the larger more image and video orientated sites but I was extremely pleased when the ticker clicked over. So, thank you all so much for visiting.

I would like to give particular shout-outs to the wonderfully generous souls who have included me on their blog-rolls and sent traffic my way:

• The Delightful and Very Generous Bonny over at My Bottom Smarts

• The Inimitable Rascal Paolo in Dublin

• The Charming and Entertaining Lady Karen

• The Wonderful Todd and Suzy at About Spanking

• The One and Only MarQe in his Study

• The Gentlemanly James Stephenson

• Good Old Uncle Peter and his Spanking Stories

And finally and most recently:

• The Infamous Chief at his well-visited Spanking Blogg

My thanks to all of you.

Needless to say 10,000 hits has not translated into the equivalent amount of books sales. However as I have previously said this is primarily a vanity project so I hadn’t promised My Beloved Jojo that I’d be giving up my day-job anytime soon. The Woody Back to Unit Saga is comprised of over 5,000 pages and a million words. It took a lot of writing! However, as a thank you to all my visitors I am going to offer a 50% reduction on the prices of Downloads of Volumes 2-5 of the Woody Back to School Unit for the next seventy-two hours. (I am trying to make the offer good for Volume 1 but due to the vagaries of my publishing arrangements that is proving to be a test … but watch this space!)

Five books are available at the Woodettes Storefront … so hurry now while Stocks Last!

Please understand that this is not a garage sale. Even in the self-publishing world there are fixed costs and commissions, especially associated with the printed books, that I have absolutely no control over and this offer really gives hundreds of pages and thousands of my original words away for free and makes money for the capitalist owners … lol.

Bottoms Up! Thanks again for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Why Don’t You Bend Over and Touch Your Toes?

That phrase is just so evocative/provocative. When entered into idle conversation with the appropriate gravitas it is guaranteed to send a shiver up the spine of even the most whop-hardened minx.

Occasionally when we are playing I will unexpectedly instruct My Beloved Jojo to bend over and touch them. This always elicits a spluttered response of “Waddayamean? Now?” When I nod firmly there are generally some grumbled mutterings before she peels off her blazer and complies.

At the Woody Back to School Unit the members of the Elite are required to carry their whippy ashplant canes tucked under their arms wherever they go. Although it is generally customary to dispatch miscreants to the punishment room to be beaten occasionally the prefect might have alternative engagements and will decide to deal with the matter on the spot. These spontaneous punishments are deeply unpopular with the inmates. Being forced to bend over in a busy thoroughfare or the crowded recreation area is considered to be rather undignified.

I am not sure of the provenance of this picture. According to the date on the image file on my computer I found it on the net back in the early days of the net and I suspect it was found on the now defunct Bernie’s web-site. Of course this young lady is not actually touching her toes in full accordance with the official toe-touching policies instituted at the Woody Unit but we won’t split hairs.

At the Woody Unit there are stringent guidelines for gals required to bend over and touch them (there are stringent rules governing almost every element of the inmate’s daily lives). During a thrashing their fingers must remain glued to their shoes at all times. In the event that the unfortunate recipient ‘jerks up’ the stroke can be discounted and will be repeated.

In fairness the majority of the Brass and the Elite will cut the gals some slack and as long as they return to the required position in a reasonable time they allow the stroke to count. Of course this protocol is open for abuse by the crueler Dames and members of the Secret Sorority of Serial Spankers.

The following extract is from ‘Volume 2 – Operation Scorched Arse’ which is available for purchase at the Woodettes Storefront. It features poor old Debs Morton (as usual) falling foul of the strictest imposition of the no jerking protocol.

Ms Whitton was considered to be a power-beater. She was large framed and extremely strong. She didn’t punish gals with the prolificacy of Patty Hodge, the Wart or Katie Beck but on the occasions she did choose to wield the violin bow the events were memorable.

Deborah Morton was stretched out across the piano stool with her bumbags sitting up proud. Above her the music instructor had the violin bow raised above her head. The low lie of the stool meant that by the time the tip of the bow reached its target it was moving at terminal velocity.

Deborah’s chums watched sympathetically. It was evident to everybody in the room that this was not a regular punishment. Ms Whitton was swiping the bow down with all her might, the sound of the wooden stick rebounding off Deborah’s bumbags literally echoed around the room.

The bow whistled through the air, colliding with Deborah’s defenseless bottom with unmitigated force. Debs bucked and wriggled and kicked. Her chums watched anxiously as Ms Whitton prepared for the last and probably most formidable swipe.

“Get up gal!” snapped Ms Whitton.

Deborah couldn’t believe her ears. The Dame must have miscounted. She was going to get off with five. Painfully she pushed herself up and smoothed her skirt down. Stiff-legged she slowly started back towards her desk.

”Where do you think you’re going?” barked the Dame.

Deborah turned and looked plaintively at Ms Whitton.

”Bend over,” the Dame snapped.

Deborah grimaced.

”Turn around Morton and bend over and touch your toes.”

Slowly Deborah turned and faced the seated inmates. She bent forward at the waist and reached down towards the tips of her shoes. Ms Whitton turned back the hem of her skirt.

The tension in the room was palpable. They watched Ms Whitton take careful aim, raise the violin bow in the air then slice it downwards. Involuntarily Deborah stood bolt upright her hands clasping at her cheeks, a look of anguish on her face. It was a perfectly executed bacon slicer.

Ms Whitton tapped the floor in front of Deborah’s shoes.

”Touch them Morton,” she snapped, “you know the form.”

With trembling fingers Deborah reached down.

Bacon slicing was a highly specialized technique. Instead of swiping the cane across the buttocks horizontally it was brought down vertically, aiming to make only the slightest contact. When executed perfectly it made a gal feel as if a layer of flesh had been sliced off. The sensation was short lived but instantly agonizing.

Ms Whitton slashed down a second perfectly executed bacon slicer. This time Deborah’s shoulders jolted back and her fingers raised six inches from her shoes. Despite her anguish she pushed forward and got her fingers back in place. She could hardly hold back the tears.

”Stay down,” ordered Ms Whitton.

”That ain’t fair!” growled Nicola Jane at the back of the room.

”Silence! Silence in the room!” bellowed Ms Whitton.

She slashed the violin bow down. For the third time Debs jerked up.

At the back of the room Jojo, Nix and Rosemary watched in horror. Debs fingers had hardly left her toes for a second but still the music instructor was calling it as a bad strike. Technically the protocols said that if a gal was touching her toes during punishment then she should not rise from position until given permission. However, even the harshest of Dames realized that the toe-touching position was extremely difficult to maintain and if a gal recovered her stance promptly the strike was called good. Ms Whitton was using the most ruthless interpretation of the protocols possible. Deborah only had two chances. She either had to stay down so that the six was complete or otherwise Ms Whitton had to miss.

The violin bow slashed down perfectly. The pain was almost insurmountable but somehow Deborah found the will to keep her fingers on her toes. Ms Whitton looked furious, but she had no choice, the beating was finally street legal.

”Get up gal,” she snarled. “Go back to your desk and stand on your chair with your hands on your head for the remainder of this tutorial.”

If you liked the extract BUY THE BOOK! Lol! Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

More News from the Punishment Rooms and the Altar of Discipline

Some of my favorite episodes in the Woody Back to School Unit stories include the tantalizing mix of prefects, punishment rooms and the extensive use of rituals.

One of the wonderful things about transitioning shorter stories into the long, sweeping saga of the Woody Back to School Unit is the opportunity to develop the back-stories of the inmates.

A number of the central characters of my stories attended the fictional Queensgate Academy in their earlier lives. This exclusive academy practiced even more elaborate punishment rituals than Woodys.

At Queensgate the Dames are far too refined to administer discipline themselves and merely inform errant’s that they intend to ‘Put them on the Menu’. Gals unfortunate enough to have their name added to the menu are required to report to the Posh HQ at six o’clock to present their defenses in front of an august body of prefects known as the ‘Posh’.

The gals are required to wait in an outside ante-room known as the Tank and are called in to the main HQ one at a time. The room is only lit by candles and the members of the Posh sit eerily hidden in the shadows waiting to pass down their judgments.

In the centre of the room there is a three feet by three feet square marked on the floor and the defendant is required to remain within the boundaries while presenting their case. At the farthest end of the room, a large padded leather armchair, shrouded in candle-light, is ominously in position. This altar of discipline is known as the ‘popping seat’.

Once correctly positioned in the defense square the defendant is approached by the Sergeant-at-Arms, a senior member of the Posh (aka as the Grim Reaper), and they are formally charged.

The defendant has several options available to her. She may plead guilty, not guilty, or offer to enter into a plea bargain. In the event that she enters either of the two latter pleas she is dismissed and sent back to wait in the Tank until further notice. Should she choose to enter a not guilty plea she is allowed two minutes to present her defense.

Once all pleas and defenses are delivered the miscreants wait in the Tank while the shadowy Posh Goddesses make their deliberations. They have a variety of disciplinary options at their disposal including tedious punishments such as writing lines or impositions, detentions, or assigning the miscreant to community service such as grubbing around in the gardens or marking out the playing fields. Alternatively they can elect to send the unfortunate young lady to the ‘popping seat’ to be ‘popped’ with the ceremonial ‘popping stick’.

Back in the Tank the nervous delinquents await the findings of the Goddesses. They pace up and down as they reconsider their defense strategies. Some will be confident that their explanations will be well-received and they will escape without punishment. Others will have accepted a plea bargain and negotiated an agreement to reduce the number of pops they will receive while bent over the popping seat and are resigned to their fate. Finally, there are, of course, the more daring coves that have risked the future of their bumbags and pleaded not guilty, relying upon their quick wits and silver tongues to avoid punishment, wondering how they will fare.

The tension in the Tank is always high. The gals avert each other’s eyes, preferring to keep their own counsel, inter-communication is strictly forbidden.

Finally the wait is over and one by one the defendants are invited back into the HQ to learn of their fates.

For simplicity let’s just say the lucky ones go first and when they exit the HQ they wear relieved, slightly smug grins on their faces.

Finally when the innocent (fortunate) have departed one-by-one the remaining inmates are summonsed back into the HQ. The sequence of their return is determined by the number of pops that they have been sentenced to receive.

The goddesses of the Posh can sentence a gal to anything from three to nine strokes of the ‘Ceremonial Popping Stick’ depending on the level of malfeasance and the terms of any plea bargains. The sentences are delivered in somber tones by the Grim Reaper.

Once a gal has been informed of her punishment the all-powerful President of Posh will step out of the shadows dressed in her ankle length embroidered, mandarin collared Posh Coat.

The unfortunate recipient of the popping will be invited to repair to the popping seat and to prepare herself for her punishment. Although the distance between the marked square they have been standing in is only two dozen strides many of the recipients have reported in their diaries that the journey felt more like two miles.

While the hapless miscreant removes her blazer and makes herself comfortable across the back of the chair the Sergeant-of-Arms will help the President of Posh out of her ceremonial coat and hand her the cane. In the flickering half-light she will be barely visible except for her crisp white blouse as she approaches the luckless victim. With the ceremonial popping stick flexed between her hands she resembles a High Priestess at her altar of discipline.

As usual I chose to weave this whole back-story around the character of poor old Debs Morton.

While attending Queensgate, Deborah is frequently ‘Put on the Menu’ and required to report to the Tank. She gains a reputation as a skilled and articulate advocate in her own defense and adamantly refuses to plead guilty to any of the many charges brought against her. However, even Debs silver-tongue cannot always save her bumbags and she was thrashed twenty-five times during her first three years at the academy.

Deborah’s fourth year at the academy was a catastrophe with her behavior spiraling out of control and she made a record-breaking number of appearances on the menu. Despite her deft defenses the odds were stacked against her and predictably she established another record receiving nineteen beatings during the period. Coincidentally the President of Posh who was responsible for administering the thrashings was Pauline Gascoigne who would later take on the character of the Economics Dame at the Woody Back to School Unit.

Towards the end of the summer she is put on the menu by three separate Dames on the same day. Boldly she persists with her strategy of pleading not guilty. At first there is a glimmer of hope that her tactic might pay off when her defense of the first charge of the day is accepted.

“Miss Morton of the Fourth, you have entered a plea of not guilty of charges of Disobedience in the Second Degree,” she is informed by the Sergeant-at-Arms. “The Posh has deliberated and your defense has been successful. The charges are dismissed.”

Deborah resists the impulse to grin.

“Miss Morton of the Fourth, you have entered a plea of not guilty of charges of Gross Insolence in the First Degree,” continued the Sergeant-at-Arms. “The Posh has deliberated and your defense has been unsuccessful. You will receive nine pops of the ceremonial popping stick.”

Deborah tries not to flinch.

“Miss Morton of the Fourth, you have entered a plea of not guilty of charges of Disrespectful Behavior in the First Degree,” said the Sergeant-at-Arms. “The Posh has deliberated and your defense has been unsuccessful. You will receive nine pops of the ceremonial popping stick.”

Debs couldn’t help but grimace at the unfortunate news.

“However, due to the severity of these punishments you will receive nine strokes this evening and then return to the HQ after a twenty-four hour cooling down period,” continued the Sergeant-at-Arms.

Deborah spends two uncomfortable sessions bent over the popping seat being thrashed for ‘serial malfeasance’, but her troubles are not over. She was summoned to the Great House for a personal interview the Grand Dame. This in itself was unprecedented. The Grand Dame lived in isolation from the main school leaving administration and discipline to the twenty-one members of the Posh.

During the interview the Grand Dame showed Debs her end of year report card. At the bottom of the card there was a section for the Grand Dame to assign a cumulative grade for academics, sporting achievement and behavior. Grading was scaled between A and E. In the first two boxes Deborah had been graded A+ for her academic work and her performance at sports. However, in the behavior box the Grand Dame had crossed through the scores and simply written DEPLORABLE in red ink.

Deborah was informed that during the forthcoming year she would be required to carry a special book with her at all times and at the end of each class she would present it to the presiding Dame to have her behavior graded. She would no longer be placed on the menu by the Dames which at least would have given her the opportunity to defend herself. Instead, she was informed, in the event that she scored three grades of C- or less during any given week she would receive a mandatory beating on Friday evening.

Foolishly Deborah continued to flirt with fate and during the first week following her return from the summer hols she accumulated three bad grades. The Grand Dame sentenced her to six strokes of the cane. In the ensuing weeks she continued to fail to meet the performance criteria and each week her punishment was increased by an additional stroke. By the end of the fourth week she was sentenced to the maximum dosage of nine strokes and was warned that she would continue to get nine until she succeeded in getting through a week with acceptable behavior grades.

The President of Posh tasked with delivering these beatings is Christy Cranfield (who is a central character in the Woody Back to School Unit saga). Christy and Debs are best chums and Christy even offers to resign her position to avoid having to cane Deborah. Debs persuades her to stay on, arguing it was much better to be thrashed by someone she trusts. Deborah’s pattern of misbehavior continues and by the time she left the academy to play on the professional tennis circuit Deborah Morton had been beaten on thirty-nine consecutive Fridays.

An examination of the national archive of the Ministry of Education dating back over one hundred and fifty years reveals that with an accumulation of eighty-three beatings Miss Deborah Morton holds the record for being caned more than any other school pupil in recorded history.

Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

The Goddesses of Thrashing

A review of the stats shows that there is considerable interest amongst my visitors with Punishment Rooms and Punishment Rituals. I have previously mentioned my own fascination with the concept of an elected body of goddesses who are granted the privilege of caning the lesser mortals amongst their community.

At the Woody Back to School Unit ridiculously pompous members of the Elite, such as Yvonne Godfrey and Mitch the Bitch, are fond of dispatching the inmates to the punishment room, ominously and loudly informing them that, “I’ll be along to beat you shortly”. That ridiculously pompous expression was originally favored by the ridiculously pompous Headmaster of a school I attended (and yes, back in the day, they were allowed to speak to us like that).

As R Humphries is otherwise engaged tonight I just thought that I might offer this picture that I think epitomizes the evil members of the Secret Sorority of Serial Spankers enthusiasticaly making their way up to the Punishment Room on their way to thrash an unfortunate inmate of the Woody Back to School Unit. Check out the look on the face on the look of the second young lady … she is just itching to dish out some whops. (see The  Secret Sorority of Serial Spankers). 

Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Woody Creek – A Spanking Babylon of Pits and Dungeons

R Humphries attention was caught by a post that the delightful and gracious Bonnie posted over at My Bottom Smarts regarding blog traffic. I was interested by a comment left by Indy who points out that the only two (and very commendable) blogs that surpass Bonnie’s admirable hit-count are far more image orientated so I personally think that makes her record even more commendable. So congratulations to Bonnie!

This allows me to neatly segue into giving myself an attaboy as I have today published two more full volumes of the Woody Back to School Unit Saga; Volume 4 – The Inmates Strike Back and Volume 5 – The New Regime and they are now available for purchase at the Woodettes Storefront. I consider this as a quite an achievement as despite the satisfaction that I derive from writing it can be rather time-consuming and a distraction from other daily activities.

According to extremely unreliable accounts the legendary journalist and social commentator Hunter S Thompson was an avid and distinguished spanko. An unconfirmed source once reported that he often complained ‘How am I supposed to find time to write when I’m too busy spanking?’ His sprawling acreage which was aptly and coincidentally located in Woody Creek, Colorado, was apparently a veritable Babylon of spanking and other associated recreational pursuits.

Due to his untimely demise I am unable to contact the somewhat deranged doctor of letters to confirm these reports regarding his predilections. Nonetheless, the evidence is robust. Several published authors have complained that he was a slightly paranoid interviewee and favored keeping untrustworthy hacks in a ‘pit’ while they conducted their interviews. Despite his paranoia the good doctor was apparently not an inhospitable cove. His pit featured full services such as pay-on-demand satellite TV, a comfortable bed and other amenities. However the pit was kept securely locked at all times and in the event that the doctor had stepped out to pursue his favored past-times of shooting high-powered weapons at potential infiltrators of his self-described fortified compound or indulging his taste for mixing an array of mind-altering substances with Wild Turkey it could prove to be a socially inconvenient environment inspiring considerable Fear and Loathing (ok that was just too predictable!).

Now personally pits and dungeons are not to my particular taste. However, I am always admirable of people who pursue their chosen life-styles with a vengeance. Two acquaintances of mine (they were colleagues actually) decided to embrace the BDSM life to the point where they were constructing a house in suburban Houston fully equipped with two dungeons totally equipped for full-time paying guests. Digging dungeons in Houston, Texas, is not normal practice and the terrain is not best suited for such ventures. Nonetheless, they persuaded the builder, presumably scamming him that it was a wine cellar, to undertake the venture.

The project was 95% completed when for reasons that I am not at liberty to divulge the couple were obliged to have it on their toes and flee the country with some expediency. I have no idea what the realtor made of it when he/she was solicited to sell an otherwise perfectly normal suburban residence furnished with fully appointed en-suite dungeons.

There are many finely scribed biographies of HST but I would particularly recommend ‘Hunter, the strange and savage life of Hunter S Thompson by E. Jean Carroll’.

Believe Me … I don’t make this stuff up! … Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Once a Naughty Gal, Always a Naughty Gal? The Great Naughty Gene Debate.

Firstly, thanks to Uncle Peter’s Spanking Stories for directing some considerable traffic in this direction. Much appreciated.

I have previously written about an old schoolmate called Penny who was by far the worst behaved pupil in one of the schools that I attended (see The World’s Naughtiest Gal and the Loud One’s Don’t Hurt). I have also mentioned an off-hand remark by my cousin referring to another old friend, Debbie, as ‘by far the naughtiest girl in the school’. This morning, R Humphries found himself brooding over what made these two young ladies so outstandingly naughty (I am that kind of a chap).

Now with Penny I can understand. She was an incomparable tomboy, scatty and disorganized and quite probably on some level certifiably barking. God bless her navy blue gossamer bumbags. Debbie on the other hand was the polar opposite. Until her memorable night of revelations (see Conversations with Debbie and the Vanilla Nuggets) I had always perceived her to be something of a Miss Goodie-Two-Shoes and it would have surprised me far less to discover that she was the teacher’s pet.

Now R Humphries was considered a bit of a tearaway back in the day and my behavior was described in numerous derogatory ways but I was never referred to as ‘naughty’. Perhaps the term is uniquely and deliciously feminine. “She was such a naughty gal”, just rolls off the tongue.

My delinquency, and I think the same went for most of my errant associates, was generally pretty pre-meditated and purposefully provocative. In contrast my chum Pen seemed to just naturally engage in whatever activity that had been specifically forbidden. Her naughtiness was flawless but her timing sucked which is why she spent so much time upstairs bent over the deputy headmistress’s desk.

I was fascinated by my cousin’s description that Debbie was by far the naughtiest girl in the school, not just naughty but by far the naughtiest. That conversation occurred years after they had all left school but that was the indelible impression that she had left with my cousin. Debbie’s mother inadvertently confirmed this tendency towards naughtiness when she informed me that it was Debbie that ‘always needed to be spanked’, with emphasis on the always (in Debbie’s presence I might add). I have tried to illicit further details about Debbie’s supposedly serial misbehavior, which is not easy. As I have pointed out she is definitely not a spankette and telling her that she has been a major character in thirty-five years of spanking stories might prove detrimental to me being able to see out of my left eye. I have only been able to piece together that she was caned more than once, had been slippered, that she got more than the single spanking I overheard all those years ago and that she was invited to leave two very reputable schools for reasons I have been unable to ascertain. Even these scants details are enough to form the general opinion that, yes, Debbie was a very naughty gal.

So I got to wondering whether these young ladies were just unfortunate to be born with an over-active naughty gene. In the Woody Back to School Unit books several of the inmates suffer from what I call compulsive impulsive behavior syndrome whereby they find themselves engaging in actions that they know will land them up to their bumbags in whops but just can’t stop themselves. The temptation of the instant gratification they get from being naughty is uncontrollable, despite the knowledge that they will most likely soon be bending over for a dose of the cane.

I very much doubt that Penny enjoyed being sent up for the cane, or being kept back after school for a spanking, or the endless hours she spent standing in the corner, but none of these punishments was enough to deter her. She just had to do it and do it now!

Debbie’s alter-ego, Debs Morton, of Woody Back to School Unit fame, blames a fictional character she calls ‘The Imposter’ for her many trials and tribulations. Her very cynical chum, Nixdown, pooh-poohs the notion and tells Debs that she should face up to the fact that she is just a very naughty gal.

Even a cursory cruise around the internet shows that several august bodies, including the University of Michigan, are studying this subject as we speak and are generally in accord that a ‘naughty’ or ‘rebel’ gene exists in the form of a serotonin gene, a chemical in the brain which has been linked to the control of emotions and mood.

What these learned doctrines do not indicate is whether people bestowed with this gene ‘grow out of it?” I don’t know much about Penny’s later life except that she married and had a brood of children. The last time I met Debbie she was a remarkably chic and successful businesswoman without any outward indications of residual naughtiness from her youth.

So if you are born a naughty gal will you always be a naughty gal? That is the question. This type of social psychological quandary fascinates R Humphries so I shall research further and report back later.

Good luck … Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

The Great Spank-off and Endurance Spanking

In my opinion there are not enough spanking competitions going on. Call me old-fashioned but in a society that celebrates punters who can stuff fifty hot dogs down their throats in a few minutes why aren’t we paying more attention and tributes to the gals who can take a whopping and keep on bopping? So I was interested to see Richard Windsor over at The House of Richard Windsor trying to organize just such an event.

Several volumes of the Woody Back to School Unit saga are dedicated to a spank-off between the inmates to determine their endurance under the most taxing of circumstances. As usual the idea of the spank-off was initiated by a prolonged private session with My Beloved Jojo where she cheekily taunted me that either my arm would become tired or my hand too sore before she called quits. I have no intention of divulging the details of the outcome of this particular private challenge save to say that I don’t think that the administrator of a damn good hand-spanking gets enough credit in the copious volumes of literature that has been dedicated to the subject.

In the Great Spank-off held in the Great Hall of the Woody compound during the first ‘heat’ sixteen bold contestants engage in an eye-watering, teeth-chattering, nerve-jangling ‘Whop ‘til You Drop’ caning competition. Only the very brave survive!

A week later the first-round winners compete in a knock-out ‘heat’ called Leather Saturday where they are confronted with the dreaded Reform School Strap, the Lochgelly tawse and the dreaded ping-pong paddle with its unforgiving delrin insert. After some legendary battles even some of the most whop-hardened veterans are forced to concede.

Four gals move forward to Wooden Saturday where they are alarmed to find that Mr Humphries has raided the vaults of the units kitchen and found a variety of utensils including a lethal flat-faced spatula, a Peruvian Spoon custom-formed from a rare weathered wood found only in regions of the Upper Northern Andes, and then finally a formidable flapjack flipper. The handcrafted flipper was carved from the downed limbs of the hardwoods found in the North West of the United States and was about thirteen inches long and as thick as a finger. Its long barked handle was attached to a beautifully grained circular head and proved a formidable adversary even to Woody legends like Nixdown Nixon and Lady Victoria Brompton.

The Grand Finale is contested between the angelic blonde ditz Cassie Cassy (pictured left; who might be madder than the March Hare) and the legendary Jojo. They are manacled over a pair of vaulting horse’s in front of an audience comprised of some of the most illustrious members of the international spanking set. The fate of their arses is decided by the spin of the imposing and ominous Wheel of Misfortune.

Who wins this spectacular finale? Well you’ll just have to wait until I publish Volumes 8, 9 and 10 of the saga and buy the books! Lol!

Anyway hat’s off to Houndog Windsor for proposing his ambitious and creditable project and I shall watch the progress of this contest with interest.

Good luck … Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Bend Over Your Bed; I Intend to Give You Six on the Silks!

At the Woody Back to School Unit the ‘no goofing, gabbing, larking or pranking after lockdown’ protocols are strictly imposed by a senior member of the Elite known as the Dorm Raider. Armed with her trusty ashplant cane tucked beneath her arm she prowls the hallways and landings in crepe-soled shoes on the alert for signs of mischief and malfeasance.

Being thrashed in the dorms is known as getting ‘six on the silks’ to the Woody Wags. This is a reference to a major coup pulled off by Jojo Heyworth when she persuades the Grand Master to allow the inmates to wear swanky red and black striped silk pajamas made available at the Bernadette Summers Enterprises outlet store. The gals are delighted to swap out their old dowdy cotton jimjams for the softer, slinkier duds. However, they soon discover that there is a downside to their new jimjams. They observe that after they have been obliged to bend over their beds for six from the Dorm Raider they experience a bizarre phenomenon. As the night of fitful sleep progresses their bums appear to be getting hotter rather than cooler. It is as if the silk jimjams are acting as heat conductors.

Ok, so you might well be thinking that old R Humphries might actually be a refugee from the home for the bewildered while posing as a spanking writer, but I swear it’s not so.

I was first alerted to the silk heat conducting phenomena by My Beloved Jojo. I had recently purchased her several pairs of very becoming silk jimjams over the Christmas period. During that particular year’s festivities I was naturally compelled to bend her over our bed and give her six hot ones with a rather whippy cane (what else to Spanko’s do at Chrimbo?).

The following morning, over breakfast, I was tactfully inquiring over the state of her arse, as one feels obliged in polite society, and she informed me of the curious phenomena that throughout the night she had felt that the temperature in her rear end was continuing to rise and proposed the idea that it must have something to do with the new pajamas. I immediately scoffed at the notion and dismissed it as having no possible scientific basis. She looked at me rather darkly and informed me that she might be a better judge in such matters.

Of course this was to great a creative opportunity too overlook and I parlayed Jojo’s observations into a story. When Jojo gets her first six of the silks and shares her observations regarding their heat conducting qualities with her whop-hardened chums. When they are as cynical as I was in their responses, Jojo is not easily deterred and turns to Lisa Sutton, the facility’s resident boffin in matters of Physics for an explanation. Lisa cites the findings of the Baldwin Project performed by Jean-Henri Fabre to explain that because the jimjams that Bernadette Summers supply’s are made from woven silk they possess a natural heat conduction quality!

See I don’t make this stuff up … Go Google it or better still go buy your partners some silk jimjams and experiment a little with the theories of silk and heat conduction.

Good luck … Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Kinky Conversations of the Finer Kind and Watch Out for the Fudge

It always amuses me when punters inadvertently recount stories with a decidedly kinky bent to them. I recently had a few drinks with an old friend of mine who has the unenviable job of escorting visiting oilmen around the dangerous Niger Delta. He was in town on much needed R&R.

He had started his homeward journey with a stop-over in Amsterdam where he had paid a visit to a coffee house. Being a sociable and adventurous cove by nature he availed himself of some of the infamous magic fudge that is freely available at such establishments. He says that he remembers very little of the next few hours but when he awoke in his hotel the following morning he was in some discomfort. Further inspection revealed a slew of red weals across his back and buttocks and red marks around his wrists.

I have known this chap for many years and he has never made any mention of BDSM inclinations and he did appear to be genuinely outraged, insisting that he must have been duped into being bound and whipped. I am not sure how that would work exactly but I shall give him the benefit of the doubt.

His story reminded me of a tale that my old friend Nixdown often used to tell. I have no hesitation in repeating this tidbit as I have heard Nix tell it at the most vanilla of dinner-parties (she never made any effort to disguise her tastes and quirks no matter whose company she was sharing).

Nix had a peculiar taste in gentlemen partners (in my opinion). Her first husband was an ageing rocker who had been a one-hit wonder and made gazillions from several advertizing jingles. They were an unlikely couple. Nix was a gregarious night-hawk who liked to be constantly out and about. He by contrast spent, as best as I could tell, twenty-four-seven closeted in the bedroom watching pornographic movies. The marriage did not last long.

Her second husband was an Irish poet. He was a charming fellow but his poetic endeavors appeared to be limited to waxing eloquent in the local bars that he frequented. He appeared to suffer from writers block when confronted with a type-writer. Somewhere along the way he inherited a property in the South of Ireland. It was in a beautiful setting but in a state of disrepair. Nix and the poet departed to the Emerald Isle to renovate the house.

As Nix tells it, one evening they had retired to their boudoir to indulge in a little recreational bondage. At the time the bedroom windows were being replaced and sheets of plastic covered the holes making it a little draughty. Apparently once handcuffed to the bed Nix dispatched the poet downstairs to fetch champagne (despite being a sub Nix can be extremely bossy!). Sadly the poet found the fridge to be lacking in supplies of bubbles so he decided to pop along to the local pub to secure provisions (it was a small country village). He fell into company and felt obliged to indulge in a few pints of the liquid gold leaving the scantily clad Nixdown secured to the bed in the freezing room. She was understandably aggrieved. I don’t know how much this contributed to her decision but the relationship came to a rather abrupt end about the same time as this incident.

The real-life Nixdown was an absolute hoot and totally incorrigible. Her favorite expression was, “I’m such a degenerate”, always delivered with glee and undisguised pride. Back in the day, when we collaborated on numerous stories, she had considerable input into the development of her alter-ego, who would later become Nicola Jane Nixon in the Woody Back to School Unit stories (not her real name by the way!).

It fascinated me that Nix had any interest in the subject of my tales. She told me regularly and in no uncertain terms that she absolutely abhorred being caned at the filthily expensive boarding school that she attended. It was not the pain, she had already developed a taste, but the principle of another gal not much older than her having the right to bend her over and whap her with a stick. Nix did not take being punished lying down and she responded to being caned by the Headmistress by fire-bombing her car. This resulted in Nix being promptly expelled and completing her education in a government reformatory for juvenile delinquents.

Nonetheless, she was an enthusiastic critic of my work and was very pedantic about the way that the character I had devised portrayed her. She did not mind in the least being characterized as dark, cynical, moody and promiscuous (which is a true reflection of her personality). Of course she reveled in her role as the unit’s resident degenerate. She was emphatic that she should always be presented as looking pristine; she was something of a fashionista, so I have gone to great lengths to accommodate her wishes.

I have not seen or heard from Nix for some years; she was last rumored to have embarked upon a third marriage and to be living in Cape Town or Durban in South Africa. She has not read the Woody Back to School Unit stories in their current incarnation but I like to think that she would approve and that in writing the new and improved Nixdown I have stayed faithful to the character that she helped me to write.

Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Spanked in the Brat Chamber

First a minor correction to my tribute to the Late, Great, George Harrison Marks, although Peter C Fairbrass authored the ‘Facts of Life’ area, the site is actually hosted by Peter Henderson who is publishing a biography of this greatly revered gentleman of the spanking community (see http://www.harrison-marks.com/). I have suitably corrected the original text. Clearly the renowned photographer and publisher had many fans as my tribute attracted a spectacular audience!

Secondly big props to Emma over at the Unsecret Diaries of Emma Bishop for her collaboration with the artist David Lodge on their new cartoon strip ‘Trouble with Emma’. Excellent and very original work and well worth a peek.

I have always been in awe of people with the gift to draw, unfortunately R Humphries has difficulty drawing the curtains let alone working in pen and ink. This particular graphic inspired a whole new story-line in my Woody Back to School Unit stories.

When Mr Humphries takes over as the Grand Master at the unit the first visitor to his office is the incomparable mega-minx Jojo Heyworth. Jojo is resigned to the fact that she will shortly be bent over the back of the straight-backed chair, sniffing the dusty seat while she waits to be caned. She is surprised when the new Grand Master asks her to join him in a short stroll.

As they cut through the labyrinth of corridors and stairwells she at first suspects that he is taking her back to the lecture room from which she has recently been ejected to confer with the Dame who had shown her a red card. The Dame in question Ms Robin Wharton, aka the Wart, is an unscrupulous cove and Jojo suspects that she will tell the Grand Master a shed full of porkies to make her transgressions sound worse than they actually were. Wicked Dames are like that.

However, they pass by the lecture room and to Jojo’s amazement he escorts her into the Brat Chamber.

The Little Brats (aka the Grubbys) are inmates in the first year of their seven-year social rehabilitation programs. They have spent their first week at the facility in an immersion program learning the rules, regulations and protocols that will dictate their daily lives, liberally enforced with training spankings from their assigned mentor from the Goddesses of the Elite.

They are mesmerized when on their first official day out and about in the lecture rooms the legendary Jojo is brought into the room and soundly spanked for their edification.

I think that the expressions on the faces of the gawking gals in the background of the cartoon are priceless. The look on the face of the gal being spanked is pretty amusing too.

My Beloved Jojo, who takes these matters seriously, was suitably unimpressed by this plot-twist. She argued that her chums at the unit faced more than enough hazards to their bumbags during their routine daily existence without being hauled down to the Brat Chamber to be spanked in front of inexperienced Grubbys. Personally I think that she secretly likes the idea, but she merely rolls her eyes when I make this suggestion.

Anyway, I liked the line drawing and would be pleased to credit the artist if I knew who he/she was. In the meantime I must depart to deal with critical affairs of great import. Actually, I am knackered and need some kip. So goodnight and Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

The Naughtiest Gal in the Unit was a Prefect

For reasons best known to themselves an obscure rock band, who were active during the 1980’s around Sheffield in the North of England, chose to perform under the name, ‘The Naughtiest Girl in the School was a Monitor’. The name is derived from the vintage Enid Blyton books from the 1940’s and 50’s. I have never read these particular books but I doubt that they contained any spanking material. That being said, if memory serves me correctly, in her Famous Five series Blyton often made references to Georgina (George as she preferred to be called), the tomboy of the piece, being dispatched to visit the ill-tempered Uncle Quentin over at the lighthouse which one might assume was the equivalent of visiting the woodshed. Who knows?

Anyway if obscure rock bands can plagiarize the revered Blyton then so can R Humphries which quite naturally prompted me to write an episode called ‘The Naughtiest Gal in the Unit was a Prefect’ in the Woody Back to School Unit stories.

Of course, as usual, the unfortunate recipient of this honor is poor old Debs Morton. The inmates of the facility have returned from furlough and Deborah is entering the seventh and final year of her social rehabilitation program. The Phase 7 gals are inducted into a prestigious corps known as the Elite.

As my readers are aware R Humphries is fascinated (obsessed?) by rituals so I created a ceremony where the twelve new prefects are ‘Thrashed into the Elite’. During this ceremony the new Elite are required to bend over a training beam in the gymnasium for twelve strokes of the cane. Theoretically these gals have been satisfactorily socially rehabilitated and should not require much in the way of further discipline. The twelfth stroke of the cane rebounding off their shuddering nates is known to the Woody Wags as the ‘Final Kiss’.

However, Deborah quickly discovers that the final kiss might not be all that final as her mercurial behavior causes her to require corporal punishment three times during her first week in office.

My Beloved Jojo observes that the male species have one thing in common, a fascination with twins, blondes and Scandinavians’. R Humphries thinks that for spanko’s of my particular tastes you should add school prefects to the list.

I first became fascinated with school prefects, or more accurately, the Head Girl back in my schooldays. At the school that my girlfriend attended the appointment of the Head Girl was a democratic process and highly competitive. As it turned out the process was about as democratic as an Iranian election (ripped from the headlines … nobody can accuse R Humphries of not being on the ball!). My girlfriend ‘J’ volunteered to act as campaign manager for a renegade candidate whose candidacy was strongly opposed to by the Head Mistress.

J’s reasoning was simple. The Head Mistress’s favored candidate had once sneaked on her for being out of bounds and had caused her to spend a week in after-school detention. J predicted that this prissy swat would become a despot if she was appointed into the prestigious position.

We were both in our mid-teens and took ourselves ever so seriously. J worked tirelessly for her candidate and I modeled myself as the Eminence Grise, plotting and planning with her in the evenings. It was dirty politics of the highest order and we looked like we might pull-it off and win a landslide victory. Unfortunately it all went pear-shaped when J’s candidate got caught smoking in the local park and was unceremoniously kicked out of the election. All we achieved was making J extremely unpopular with the Head Mistress and the arch-enemy of the newly appointed Head Girl.

Fortunately for J the school she attended did not practice corporal punishment otherwise her bumbags would have been severely endangered. Nonetheless, she spent a miserable year being picked on by the odious Head Prefect and her sycophantic serfs.

Aside from providing R Humphries with an in-depth insight into the intricacies of the democratic process the immensely amusing campaign supplied me with invaluable material for my stories.

At the Woody Back to School Unit the Elite play a significant role. Outside of the lecture rooms it is the group of prefects who are charged with administering the facility and maintaining control over the rambunctious inmates.

They are issued with whippy ashplant canes which they must carry at all times tucked under their left arms. They are armed with red cards that they can shove in the faces of the hapless inmates and dispatch them to the punishment room for six of the best (see ‘Outside the Punishment Room Waiting to be Caned’ and ‘The Punishment Room’).

It is a system that has huge potential for abuse and throughout my books the mega-minxes are engaged in a running battle with the heinous Secret Sorority of Serial Spankers, aka the ‘SS’. It is always fun to write unscrupulous and disreputable characters because you can christen them with nicknames such as ‘The Ice Maiden’, ‘Mitch the Bitch, and ‘Ivan the Terrible’.

There is a huge body of data available regarding the responsibility of prefects to beat their sub-ordinates at such male bastions as Eton, Harrow and Rugby but not much evidence regarding the same systems existing at female boarding schools is available. However, in an interview I read years ago (but that I have never been able to find on the internet) the wonderful actress Juliet Stephenson was asked whether she remembered a certain member of the royal family from school. She tantalizingly replied that they were several years apart at school (Juliet being older) and that she would only have had reason to associate with her if it had been necessary to give her a thrashing. Make of that what you will.

The whole concept of prefects caning other gals and prefects being caned fascinates me so I couldn’t resist the temptation to roll-out (or roll-down to be more precise) poor old Debs bumbags and make her the first prefect in the unit’s history to (temporarily) reside at the top of the Annual Hall of Shame. Ergo, the Naughtiest Gal in the Unit was a Prefect!

Bottoms Up! … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Answers to Spanking Trivia Quiz – Famous Bums of the Seventies and Eighties

The answers that you’ve all been waiting for to the Spanking Trivia Quiz that I posted a few days ago (click on image for larger view). R Humphries is having a nostalgic weekend for the halcyon days of spanking magazines!!!

 

 

Bottoms Up! … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

A Tribute to the Late, Great, George Harrison Marks

Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page and I am delighted to announce that a new volume of the saga – A Year of Sitting Painfully is now available for purchase at the brand, spanking new Woodettes Storefront! Electronically downloading is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun!

Another small success in the R Humphries world of self-publishing. Actually this is really a vanity project. Some years ago I took to formatting my stories into book form for ease of reading by yours truly and My Beloved Jojo. It was only when I discovered Lulu that it became affordable to turn them into actual covered books and publish them with an ISBN number. In a couple of weeks they will be available in the main on-line bookstores so maybe I’ll recover my costs but if I don’t who cares. Of course as all my stories are about a very specific taste in spanking they are probably only of interest to a limited audience. Nonetheless, I am going to publish the complete collection so I can have them in a special book-shelf and can give myself the necessary attaboys. By the time I’ve finished writing the last few volumes I will have written over 5,000 pages and nearly four and a half million words all dedicated to the fine art of spanking! Thanks to those of you who have purchased a few volumes from the Woodettes Storefront. I hope you have enjoyed what you have read so far and will continue to follow the adventures of Jojo and her chums as they continue to embark upon their endless pursuit of causing mischief and mayhem.

Speaking of publishing, I came across a fascinating web-site today dedicated to the late, great George Harrison Marks. George was a colorful character who started life as a glamour photographer publishing ‘Kamera’ and made a number of risqué films. Down on his luck he was persuaded to edit Janus magazine and subsequently went on to establish Kane magazine.

The interesting thing about George Harrison Marks was that when he first started at Janus he had no idea and probably no interest in the world of spanking. His previous portfolio of glamour photography rarely showed the models derrieres, concentrating instead on their other notable protuberances. However, he was a talented photographer and provided the spanking community with some of its most unforgettable images.

On the web-site (http://www.harrison-marks.com/) the host, Peter Henderson, comments that George was amazed at the number of young women, mainly in their early twenties, who were willing dress up in traditional school uniforms and subject themselves to a painful caning for modest financial reward. Peter also observes that the young women must have derived some pleasure and satisfaction from their experiences as many of them became regular features in his magazine.

This particular young lady was featured in several of his masterworks including, ‘A Lesson for Lindy’, ‘Punishing Penelope’, and the rare, hard to find 8mm movie, ‘A Prefects Lesson’.

She was (still is) one of my favorite models. I suppose she epitomizes the gals I grew up with both in the style of her clobber (including the widely detested school hat), her make-up and, strangely, her hair-style which was a popular cut of the time. It was clear from all her photo-shoots that she was not just posing for the camera but is actually getting whopped.

She has a particularly expressive face and I especially like this picture where the gravity of her unfortunate situation is all too apparent as she looks back and watches her bumbags being lowered.

The internet is usually an amazing source for scoring rarities but I have yet to find anywhere that a re-mastered DVD of ‘The Prefects Lesson’ is available. If anybody has a copy I would be more than happy to make an offer.

Sadly George Harrison Marks passed away several years ago but Kane magazine continues to flourish under the stewardship of George’s daughter, Josie (http://www.kane-magazine.com/).

So Bottoms Up to George Harrison Marks and Josie! … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

“Bend Over Your Desk, I Intend to Absolutely Cream You!”

Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page and I am delighted to announce that the first five full volumes are now available for purchase at the brand, spanking new Woodettes Storefront! Electronically downloading is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun!

As I have previously mentioned R Humphries is fascinated by the language of spanking. The little gem of a phrase “absolutely creamed” was fed to me by my old chum Nixdown.

In contrast to the golden nuggets I find in vanilla conversations and squirrel away for later use, when engaged in conversation with Nixdown and the subject came around to spanking (which was frequently) she was a treasure trove of inspiration. I have written before that Nix may well have been (and may well still be) certifiably barking (see The Agony and the Ecstasy and the Rasmussen Principle) but she was a hugely colorful and articulate spankette and we collaborated on numerous stories together.

She was describing a ‘schoolie’ themed play session that she had indulged in with her playmate of the day, an exceptionally buxom English rose who would become Penelope Ann Evans in my Woody Back to School Unit stories (name changed naturally). According to Nix they had been experimenting with a new cane and she had been taunting her lover that she wasn’t hurting her (this sounded typical of Nixdown) so apparently her playmate got annoyed and Nix reported, rather smugly, that she “bent me over the desk and absolutely creamed me.” I nearly choked on my beer when she offered up that little gem.

As usual it was poor old Debs Morton whose bumbags I selected for the introduction of the concept of ‘creaming’ into the Woody Back to School Unit stories. I suppose, because I have been writing about her for so many years, she always seems like the suitable foil when it comes time to write the more spectacular punishments.

In this episode Debs irritates the Dame in Charge of Economics by persistently goofing during a lecture, despite having already been shown a yellow card. The Dame in question, Pauline Gascoigne is a popular lecturer at the facility. She is a fully paid up member of the Liberal Left and considered to be minx-friendly by the inmates. She and Deborah are tight and have been chums for over a decade.

Pauline’s irritation at Deborah’s misbehavior is compounded by the fact that just twenty-four hours earlier she had been obliged to cane Debs for a similar violation of the lecture room protocols.

She instructs Deborah to remove her blazer and bend over her desk. When Deborah responds by rather half-heartedly leaning forward Pauline becomes increasingly vexed and instructs her to bend over properly and ominously tells her that “I intend to absolutely cream you!”

Despite her liberal leanings Pauline Gascoigne is highly respected by the inmates for her prowess with the cane and poor Debs soon finds out what it means to be absolutely creamed when she is treated to six of the very, very best.

The following brief extract is from Volume 3 – A Year of Sitting Painfully that I am currently in the process of publishing.

Deborah slithered her chest across the desktop and reached down and gripped the legs on the far side. She heard Ms Gascoigne approaching and waited to be caned.

“Reach down further,” she told Debs.

Deborah stretched over a little.

“Further,” Pauline instructed her.

Debs pushed her legs up and slithered even further forward. She was bent so far over the desk that if she went forward any further she was in danger of tumbling down and landing on her head. Deborah Morton was acutely aware that her backside was stuck up in the air in the most prominent position physically possible. She felt as if her backside might shortly eclipse the sun. She was beginning to sweat.

Pauline Gascoigne neatly turned back the hem of Deborah’s navy blue pleated skirt and then retrieved her cane. She stepped to one side and unhurriedly began her preparations, taking her measure and tapping the cane down once, twice and then thrice. She raised her arm and sliced the whippy rattan stick through the air, landing it crisply across the sweet spot of Debs’ bottom with an explosive crack. Even Deborah’s fellow whop-hardened inmates were impressed.

Deborah Morton was in little position for refined analysis. Her backside was a well-calibrated whopometer and the first strike was enough to confirm that being absolutely creamed was not going to be much fun. The heat of the cane lashing across her backside ricocheted around her central nervous system like a pinball.

Poor old Debs! Always scoring the big whops!

Bottoms Up! … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Spanking Trivia Quiz – Famous Bums from the Seventies and Eighties

Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page and I am delighted to announce that the first two full volumes are now available for purchase at the brand, spanking new Woodettes Storefront! Electronically downloading is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun!

I happened upon a page hosted by Carly called Brambleberry Blush which is very beautiful, thoughtful and very bum orientated. So R Humphries got to thinking.

Looking at Carla’s very arty and modern site it reminded me of a few fabulous bums from the vintage Janus, Kane, and Roué days. As I have previously written I was a regular visitor to the original Janus shop in Greens Park and subsequently to Old Compton Street and an avid collector of spanking magazines (see Early Awakenings and Soho Circa 1972-1975). Despite my mother destroying an irreplaceable collection I still have a few gems from the seventies and eighties.

I don’t often post pictures but I thought I might hold a little competition. I will offer a free PDF copy of my first Woody Back to School Unit story, Volume 1 – Whops and Clobber, to anyone who can provide the names (or at least the names used in the magazine stories) of the owners of these three famous bums (double-click on the image to see larger version).

I believe, if senile memory serves me right, these three young lady’s derrières were all featured in Janus (props to Gordon Sergeant for his fine taste).

These three young ladies were prominent features of the spanking mag and video scene of the late-seventies and early eighties, R Humphries always wonders whatever happened to them?

Answers in the comment box, or email to woodettes@gmail.com… Bottoms Up! … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Bare Benders and the Swishes and Thwacks of a Well-Crafted Cane

Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page and I am delighted to announce that the first two full volumes are now available for purchase at the brand, spanking new Woodettes Storefront! Electronically downloading is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun!

The sound of a well-crafted cane swishing through the air and ultimately thwacking off a pair of tautened navy blue gossamer bumbags has always been music to the ears of R Humphries. Call me old fashioned but what can be better than the vision of a neatly clobbered up gal, bent over the back of a chair, with her skirt neatly turned back, her bumbags tightly stretched, while she waits to find out … are they staying up or are they coming down?

Personally I like to leave the ceremonial lowering of the bumbags until the last moment. By this time My Beloved Jojo will have been bent over the back of the chair for almost a full minute and is still hopeful that they’re staying up. Even the ever-stoic Jojo can’t help groaning a little when I reach into the elastic waistband and begin to slowly lower them. She assures me that even the most threadbare pair of bumbags will marginally reduce the sting as compared to the cane slicing across her bare flesh.

At the Woody Back to School unit bare benders, as they are known amongst the Woody Wags, are delivered in the privacy of the principal’s office.

Of course like everything else at the Woody facility visits to the principal’s office are steeped in rituals. The process is initiated by the official presentation of a red card. At Woody’s all members of the Brass and the Elite carry red and yellow cards like soccer referees and can issue them any time of the night or day. A yellow card is used as a final warning that any further violations will result in whops. They are most generally used in the lecture rooms by the Dame’s trying to maintain order amongst the rambunctious inmates.

In general the Dames and the members of the Elite are quite content to take care of business themselves, bending the inmates over in the lecture rooms or dispatching them to wait outside the punishment room. However, there are a number of rules and regulations where violation is classified as zero-tolerance and a trip upstairs to the principal’s office is mandatory.

Before presenting themselves for punishment a gal is required to pay a visit to Miss Katie Beck for bottom inspection. This part of the process is particularly despised by the inmates. Katie acts as the Unit Matron and personal assistant to the principal. She is an odious individual whose primary raison d’être is to make life unpleasant for the inmates.

In a dastardly coup she persuades Ms Lawton that it would be prudent for her to inspect the unfortunate inmate’s rear end prior to punishment. She claims that this is a health and safety issue and that she is merely confirming that the inmates behind is in suitable shape to endure a licking. In reality Katie just uses the inspections as an opportunity to be beastly.

She forces the inmates to wait in the ante-room attached to her office, bent over a desk with their skirts turned back and their bumbags around their ankles. Katie takes her own sweet time and often leaves the luckless inmates sprawled out in this undignified pose for five minutes or more. When she finally deigns to appear to perform the inspection she takes the opportunity to prod, poke and pinch the upturned derriere and get a few spanks in herself.

It is by no means uncommon for a Woody Gal to present her bottom showing clear signs of a recent altercation with the canes, straps or slippers wielded by the Brass. Theoretically Miss Beck has the right to invoke a postponement. However, even when she has been presented with a raw and swollen pair of orbs nobody at the unit can remember a single instance when she did not certify a bottom as in perfect shape for a whopping.

Once the indignity of inspection has been completed and the gal has corrected her clothing she is sent next door to the principal’s office. In the event that the principal is unavailable or otherwise engaged caning another miscreant the inmate is obliged to turn and face the wall on the landing and perform nose and toes with her hands on her head. Katie’s desk is strategically positioned so that she can monitor the nose and toes session. The inmate’s nose must be physically touching the wall and at no time may her elbows make contact with the wood-paneling. Even the most minor of infringement of the protocols will result in the inmate being made an appointment for the following morning to have her circulation kick-started with one of Katie’s leather-soled slippers.

Once the principal is available the inmate enters the study and is required to stand to attention three feet from the desk while they explain the reason for their visit.

When Ms Lawton was Grand Dame she had no time for excuses. Once an inmate informed her that “I’ve been sent up for the cane” she merely wanted to hear the facts. She had no time for whining and whingeing and could get extremely shirty if she suspected an inmate was trying to wriggle out of getting whops.

Ms Lawton was the mistress of the barbed tongue. The inmates suspected that she stayed up late at night poring over ancient tomes and lexicons in search of new and withering ways to denounce acts of malfeasance. Although she rarely raised her voice her acid tongue and gimlet glare was enough to make even the most hardened veteran feel like she had been mauled by an alley-cat by the time the scolding was over.

Since the Grand Dame’s retirement and the appointment of Mr Humphries as Grand Master the pre-punishment interviews have taken on a more cordial air. He patiently listens to the earnest entreaties of the inmates as they explain that their misbehavior might have been misunderstood. Nonetheless, despite his more open-minded approach it is highly improbable that the interview will not end with the inmate being requested to, “Remove your blazer and bend over the chair.”

The straight-backed chair in front of the fireplace has been a landmark in the Woody principal’s office since its days as a grand and exclusive private boarding school. Thousands of gals have stared down at the red-cushioned seat while their clothing was being rearranged and they waited to be caned.

The traditional bare bender is comprised of six of the best, which the Woody Gals consider to be perfectly adequate (see The Perfect Six of the Best). However at the outset of Operation Scorched Arse life suddenly got a whole lot hotter for a handful of the most notorious mega-minxes.

Poor Debs Morton was the first inmate to become a victim of the new regime. An ill-timed show of belligerence resulted in her dizzying descent from being the golden gal and the apple of Ms Lawton’s eye to Public Enemy Number One and the Grand Dames bête noire. As a result of her belligerent behavior she is sentenced to a double bare bender, a punishment previously strictly limited to members of the Elite who happened to need to be beaten.

After Deborah makes an ill-fated attempt at revenge Ms Lawton informs her that this will become her standard punishment until such time as her attitude is properly corrected, making her the founding member of what would become known as the Double Berkeley Society to the Woody Wags. The society was named after the famous flagellant Theresa ‘Six of the Best’ Berkeley.

Deborah does not remain the sole member of the exclusive society for very long. She is shortly joined by the other members of the Famous Four, Jojo, Nixdown and Rosemary Booker, as the Grand Dame declares war on the bumbags of the mega-minxes. As the inmates respond to the austere regime with an unprecedented epidemic of mischief and mayhem the leaders of the cult of mega-minxes soon find themselves being enrolled in the Double Berkeley Society.

When Mr Humphries officially declares an end to Operation Scorched Arse he sees no reason to close down the society and throughout the saga membership continues to flourish as the cult of mega-minxes continues to grow and competition of the Bottoms Up Table of Troublemakers heats up to a frenetic pace.

My Beloved Jojo always becomes rather coy when the subject of Double Berkeley’s is raised. She claims that she is a traditional gal and reminds me of the Woody adage that six of the best is always the best.

Bottoms Up and Bumbags Down! … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

The Reform School Strap and the UZI Paddle

First a big thank-you to the visitors who have purchased copies of my books from the Woodettes Storefront! Two books ‘Whops and Clobber’ and ‘Operation Scorched Arse’ are currently available and it is my intention to publish the complete saga as finances allow (self-publishing is not free!). The books are available in both print and by electronic download. Obviously electronic download is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun as there is no manufacturing cost involved. Extracts from these books and all the others are available free at the Woodettes Publications Page.

So thanks again to those of you who have taken the plunge and started to read the complete Woody Back to School Unit saga, I hope you enjoy and come to know, love and even hate the characters as much as I did creating them.

Several years ago R Humphries purchased a Reform School Strap from a lady who is a specialist purveyor of such collectables.

According to the literature that accompanied this fine specimen a tough disciplinarian named Joshua Plunkett first introduced the Reform School Strap to the Alabama State Reformatory in the late nineteenth century. The reform school housed the life-hardened daughters of drunken dockers and itinerant workers. Plunkett was convinced that the inmates of the reformatory were victims of their unfortunate circumstances and embarked upon an enlightened program to reform them. On Sundays the young women were taken from their cells and brought to the prison chapel. One by one they were manacled over a flogging horse and given thirteen strokes of the strap while the prison chaplain prayed for their souls and salvation. Later, the legendary strap was introduced into reform schools stretching along the southern United States from Florida to Texas and has helped numerous young women in their pursuit of reform.

The tail of this particular strap is twenty-four inches long and three-inches wide. It has a one-foot long handle and it is beautifully cut from calf leather. It is designed for swift application and Plunkett was onto something when he decided to manacle down his reformatory gals. My Beloved Jojo reports that she feels that if she is not secured over a sturdy piece of furniture the heft and weight of this remarkable instrument would lift her clean out of her shoes and propel her across the room.

The inmates of the Woody Back to School unit were not best pleased when Mr Humphries introduces the legendary strap into the multifarious artillery that he uses to warm their poor beleaguered bums.

Unlike his predecessor Ms Lawton who was strictly old-school and only ever used the cane (nothing wrong with that) Mr Humphries has a wide range of instruments available to liven up the naked nates of the errant inmates.

Another notable collectable is the UZI paddle. This paddle has an interesting provenance and was acquired at considerable expense from a private collector who had fallen on hard times.

The rectangular shaped leather paddle with the letters Uzi stenciled in an ornate scroll in the center of the blade was first commissioned by an American Senator for use on his persistently errant twin daughters. It is made from two layers of the finest Texan boot sole leather and gracefully curved, beveled and grooved with a stiffening overlay on the handle. The blade measures 3-inches wide by 14-inches long and is designed to strike across both buttocks simultaneously.

When the twins had moved away to college they had been invited to join the prestigious Zeta Tau Alpha sorority. However, their unruly behavior had resulted in them being quickly expelled. In a fit of pique they founded a renegade sorority, Upsilon Zeta Iota.

The twins requisitioned their fathers paddle to assist during initiation ceremonies and in maintaining discipline amongst the Uzi’s, as the outlaw sorority sisters became known on campus.

Apparently, maintaining discipline was a full-time business for the twins. The collector provided me with a ledger that had come with the paddle, documenting the disciplinary records of the Sorority Sisters. There were several Uzi’s who were disciplined so often that they would have made the inmates of the Woody Back to School unit proud.

The Dean of the college was unimpressed with the new sorority and confiscated the Uzi paddle. Its last usage on the campus was the very public thrashing of the twins, delivered on the steps of the ZTA sorority house. To the embarrassment of the twins the Dean had informed the local press and the thrashing made front-page news, first locally and then nationally. Syndicated newspapers published photographs of the twins, stooped over, their skirts turned back, while a muscular looking man in a tracksuit larruped their behinds.

The public thrashing caused considerable embarrassment to the Senator. He felt obliged to go on prime time television to inform anyone who was interested that once they returned home from college that the twins would be spending some quality time down in the Woodshed.

My Beloved Jojo who has strong opinions in such matters considers it the height of poor etiquette for Senator’s to be bandying about their personal business on prime time TV.

In my Woody stories the Senator, was considering lobbying congress to introduce anti-Ladette laws in the United States. He visits the Woody Back to School unit on a fact finding mission and generously bequeaths the Uzi paddle to the facility, where he considers it will be put to good use.

Deborah Morton is the first inmate unfortunate enough to be introduced to the UZI paddle. In the aftermath when she is lying across her best chum Rosemary Bookers lap having her scalding bum anointed with mystical balms the state of her arse illicits considerable interest. Her chums Jojo and Nixdown are amused that the etched paddle face has left what appear to be ancient hieroglyphics on her rear end. When they finally decipher the letters they josh her about her new UZI tattoo. At first she is not amused but when her grubby, Lady Derby Huntington, pitches up and asks about the marks on Deborah’s rear end, Debs ruefully predicts that, “They are my new Uzi tattoo, they will soon be all the rage.”

Never a truer word said in jest. Very shortly the poor beleaguered bums of the inmates regularly find themselves head down, arse up across Mr Humphries lap as he generously tattoo’s their bums with the UZI paddle … Bottoms Up! … R.

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

A Very Naughty Gal and A Very Bad Gal

Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page and I am delighted to announce that the first two full volumes are now available for purchase at the brand, spanking new Woodettes Storefront! Electronically downloading is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun!

“I’m a very naughty gal but I’m not a bad gal,” claims Lisa Sutton, an inmate of the Woody Back to School Unit.

In the Woody stories Lisa is a good-natured and scholarly cove who just happens to suffer from the unfortunate affliction of perennial naughtiness; a character trait that does not bode well for her bumbags.

Prior to her transfer to the Woody facility Lisa was minding her own business and serving out a two year sentence at the low security Radcliffe Back to School Unit for Misdemeanor Ladetting when she is wrongly accused of writing applications for her fellow inmates to enroll in universities as mature students upon completion of their custodial sentences.

When she denies the charge the Principal of the unit procures a cane and gives Lisa three strokes across her left hand. The innocent Lisa is justly outraged and files a complaint with her Court Appointed Guardian. To her astonishment Dark Agents of the covert government agency known only as the System swoop down and she is carted away in handcuffs to a haberdashery where she is fitted out for Woody Clobber.

She quickly learns a painful lesson about her new environment when, on only her second day at the unit, she is required to bend over her bed and treated to six of the best by the Dorm Raider.

Lisa immortalizes the moment with her observation that, “three strokes across the left hand hardly prepares you for six hot ones across the seat of thin pajamas”.

Unfortunately for Lisa she is just one of life’s hapless individuals who can’t put a foot out of place without the Brass and the Elite being all over her like badly fitted clobber. She quickly finds her navy blues bumbags besieged by an array of canes, straps and slippers. After an unfortunate incident where she climbs over the compound wall to avoid getting six of the best for cutting curfew and inadvertently stomps all over Ms Lawton’s prized seedlings she is designated as Public Enemy Number One. At the behest of the principal she is targeted as an Extreme Hostile and begins to acquire whops at a record-breaking pace.

Unlike many of the mega-minxes who boldly risk their bumbags to maintain their prestigious rankings amongst the upper echelons of the Bottoms Up Table of Troublemakers Lisa has no such lofty aspirations. She constantly regales anyone who will listen with her plans to reform. Of course her efforts at reform are a total failure causing her to constantly lament that, “I’m a very naughty gal but I’m not a bad gal”.

By contrast her best chum, Bernadette Summers (aka the Bounder) revels in her reputation as the facilities Bad Gal. She smokes like a trooper, drinks like a fish and runs the units gambling syndicate. She operates an underground network supplying contraband to the inmates which causes her to be surly and secretive. She claims to have been caned in Cairo, slippered in Singapore and whacked in Washington but contemptuously remarks that, “they can’t hurt me because I’m the Bounder”.

The character of Bernadette is based on a young lady who once worked for me in the capacity of administration assistant (known as my secretary back in the day of political incorrectness), a role she was amply unqualified to perform. She was fastidiously unpunctual, slothful, often quite rude, and spent most of the brief working day that she bothered to turn up for in the pub drinking vast quantities of vodka and lime. That might make her sound rather obnoxious but in fact she was actually totally charming in a wily manner and was an unbelievably fast and accurate typist when she put her mind to it. She was not merely tolerated but widely adored.

She was extremely well-educated and like the Bernadette of my stories her father was a Sri-Lankan (Ceylonese at the time) diplomat and a well-known fraudster. Due to the complexities of diplomatic immunity he did not actually go to prison but he was forced to flee the country barely one foot ahead of the posse.

On the infrequent occasions that she deigned to bless us with her presence she generally had hookey goods for sale, courtesy of her reprobate of a brother, which had generally, as they say in the old country, fallen off the back of a lorry.

I would love to report that R Humphries was allowed the opportunity to turn her over his knee and spank a more suitable work ethic into her, but sadly not. Even in nineteen-eighties liberal London spanking your secretary was generally frowned upon. This was of course a shamefully narrow-minded view of correct office conduct in my opinion, doubtless perpetrated by the ogres of Human Resources, because if ever a gal was born needing a regular spanking it was this young lady. Oh well! Opportunities lost are the bane of the spanking classes, but she was a beautiful inspiration for a spanking writer.

Bernadette Summers gets her nickname of ‘the Bounder’ from a Frank Richards character from his Greyfriars stories, Herbert Vernon-Smith. Like ‘Smithy’ my assistant was an inveterate gambler with a fondness for betting on the gee-gee’s. By all accounts (mostly her own) she was quite successful so she seemed ideally suited to inherit the moniker.

The character of my stories, Bernadette, is as tough as nails and prides herself that she can take the soundest of whoppings without a wriggle or a squirm. When she confronts her disciplinarian in the aftermath she always curls her upper lip and treats them to her signature contemptuous sneer as she shrugs back on her blazer.

Bernadette also shares another trait with her literary namesake, that beneath her glowering veneer she has a heart of gold and many of the weaker inmates at the facility have been grateful to her after she has fearlessly intervened when they are being bullied by the more unsavory elements of the community.

When the Bounder takes the stand during the Snobs and Rotters Tribunal she describes herself as a rough diamond. Debs Morton, acting as counsel for Woodys corrects her and describes her as a ruby in the dust.

Bernadette and Lisa are two of my favorite characters so I hope that you enjoy them as you continue to purchase my books, which will allow me to continue publishing … thanks for dropping by … Bottoms Up … R.

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

The Perfect Six of the Best

Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page and I am delighted to announce that the first two full volumes are now available for purchase at the brand, spanking new Woodettes Storefront! Electronically downloading is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun!

R Humphries is great fan of the number six. Being a Brit of a certain age I grew up when the use of the term ‘six of the best’ was commonplace.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, the tradition of six of the best dates back to the halcyon days of the 19th century when flagellation was all the rage. The most famous flagellant was Theresa Berkeley who ran a lucrative house of flagellation at 28 Charlotte Street in London. Although the majority of paying punters who pitched up at her boudoir were looking to get themselves ‘fladged’ as it was known she did have a number of gals on her staff known as the Flogging Whores who were willing to bend over for a dose of the cane. Mrs Berkeley who knew about such matters decreed that her gals could only receive six strokes in any session so that they would be ‘fully recovered on the morrow’. Most educational and reformatory institutions heeded this sage advice and it became the tradition that British canings were limited to this magic number.

At the Woody Back to School unit this tradition is alive and well and the Brass routinely barrel down on the inmates demanding, “Do you fancy six?” This of course is rather a foolish question. Even the most stoic, whop-hardened veterans of the unit are hardly likely to enthusiastically respond, “Oh, yes please ma’am, let me just bend over for you so that you can whap me with a whippy stick!” Not going to happen!

Yet back in the day the Master’s were fond of asking this patently ridiculous question. It was actually an unsubtle way of warning that, “if you continue to act the bollocks you’ll be paying a visit to the Headmaster’s study.” The Masters’ were only allowed to deliver four strokes in the classroom.

At the Woody Back to School Unit the beleaguered inmates constantly discuss whops. Well, think about it, so would you if your bumbags were under the thread of being cut to tatters with a cane twenty-four-seven. One of the main characters Debs Morton maintains a fictional blog called Debs Diary where she posts learned treatises on subjects such as ‘Six of the Best is Always the Best’ and ‘The Five-Minute Six’.

She is, of course, an internationally respected pundit on the subject. On her blog she acknowledges that for a minx of her stature and experience three or four cuts of the cane are not really adequate and although painful they are a mere inconvenience. She observes that an extra two strokes is ample to fully get the attention and will result in the feeling that smoke is billowing out from beneath her skirt for several hours; particularly if the sixth stroke, known as the ‘closer’ is properly applied.

Experienced and skilled practitioners with the cane like to finish a caning with a ‘Five-Bar Gate’. For the uninitiated this means slicing the last stroke diagonally across the existing five strikes and is guaranteed to be a nerve-jangling, eye-watering, teeth-chattering experience for the luckless recipient.

Aficionados, including my Beloved Jojo, concur that in their opinion, six is the optimum number and, although they can undoubtedly absorb more strokes, to avoid any latent wriggling, squirming, hopping, rubbing or squeaking while going about their daily business, further strokes are unnecessary.

Deborah goes on to offer the thesis that five minutes is the perfect timing for delivery of six of the best. “First there should be a sixty second set-up where you are in position over the back of a straight-backed chair (or another appropriately selected furnishing) with your skirt neatly turned back. This might not seem long but I can assure you a lot goes through your mind when you’re head down, arse up for sixty seconds. Next come the actual whops. One every thirty seconds, which gives you sufficient time to experience the full cycle of each stroke. Finally we should be given another sixty seconds to gather ourselves before being given the release command. It is an extremely practical approach to caning and very fair on the recipient. We know exactly what to expect and there are no surprises.”

I have to say that this all seems quite reasonable to me but feel free to comment if you should have other opinions … Thanks for dropping by … R.

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

Spanked ‘Til They Squeak

Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page and I am delighted to announce that the first two full volumes are now available for purchase at the brand, spanking new Woodettes Storefront! Electronically downloading is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun!

R Humphries is a great lover of the language of spanking so I was delighted to stumble upon the exquisite phrase ‘spanked until we squeak’ in an articulate and well-observed post (Party Pitfalls) written by Caroline Grey on her ‘I get it, Sometimes I get it good’ site.

As a spanking writer it often only takes a little gem like this phrase to give me a whole new story-line. However, this particular nugget presents me with something of a challenge. At the Woody Back to School Unit the inmates pride themselves in their stoicism while their bumbags are under constant bombardment from an assortment of canes, straps, slippers, hair-brushes, violin bows and even the occasional kitchen utensil. With only a few exceptions the inmates subscribe to the ‘Only muffs howl’ philosophy. I suspect that the whop-hardened veterans at the unit would laugh their bumbags off if members of the Brass or the Elite threatened to ‘spank you so hard that you’ll squeak’. I feel certain that my Beloved Jojo would be rather indignant if I wrote that she had ‘squeaked’ during a spanking. I shall broach the subject of ‘squeaking’ over dinner and gauge her response, which might be quite amusing or could prove to be downright dangerous if she happens to have a fork in her hand!

Anyway thanks again to Miss Caroline Grey for her amusing turn of phrase and I’m sure that it will remain stored away with my other nuggets until it resurfaces in some manner in an episode in a book.

Now, once again work sadly beckons so Bottoms Up to the rest of you … thanks for visiting R.

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.

International Spanking

Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page and I am delighted to announce that the first two full volumes are now available for purchase at the brand, spanking new Woodettes Storefront! Electronically downloading is the cheapest and quickest means of getting to read hundreds of pages of spanking good fun!

My thanks to Lady Karen for generously adding a link on your site and I hope you are able to experience the ‘Echoes of your Mind’ at the party next weekend … it sounds like if you’re a lucky gal you’ll score some whops … enjoy!

Sadly for reasons best known to themselves the Gods of Work have distracted me today from the more important matters of spanking blogging. Nonetheless, I did find the time this evening to add this mapping widget as an experiment. As this blog is almost exclusively comprised of prose and very few pictures I assume that it has a limited audience, so I just wanted to see where the traffic comes from. I very much doubt that my ‘Woody Spanking Jargon’ translates very well in an auto-translator … I should try it some time and see the results … anyway enough said … but once again huge thanks to Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts and Chross at Chross Spanking Resources whose kind inclusion of my burgeoning blog increased my traffic unbelievably and actually resulted me in becoming an author who actually sold some books … how cool is that … so Bottoms Up to both of you!

Now, sadly, work beckons so Bottoms Up to the rest of you … thanks for visiting R.

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.