The Perfect Six of the Best

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R Humphries is great fan of the number six. Being a Brit of a certain age I grew up when the use of the term ‘six of the best’ was commonplace.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, the tradition of six of the best dates back to the halcyon days of the 19th century when flagellation was all the rage. The most famous flagellant was Theresa Berkeley who ran a lucrative house of flagellation at 28 Charlotte Street in London. Although the majority of paying punters who pitched up at her boudoir were looking to get themselves ‘fladged’ as it was known she did have a number of gals on her staff known as the Flogging Whores who were willing to bend over for a dose of the cane. Mrs Berkeley who knew about such matters decreed that her gals could only receive six strokes in any session so that they would be ‘fully recovered on the morrow’. Most educational and reformatory institutions heeded this sage advice and it became the tradition that British canings were limited to this magic number.

At the Woody Back to School unit this tradition is alive and well and the Brass routinely barrel down on the inmates demanding, “Do you fancy six?” This of course is rather a foolish question. Even the most stoic, whop-hardened veterans of the unit are hardly likely to enthusiastically respond, “Oh, yes please ma’am, let me just bend over for you so that you can whap me with a whippy stick!” Not going to happen!

Yet back in the day the Master’s were fond of asking this patently ridiculous question. It was actually an unsubtle way of warning that, “if you continue to act the bollocks you’ll be paying a visit to the Headmaster’s study.” The Masters’ were only allowed to deliver four strokes in the classroom.

At the Woody Back to School Unit the beleaguered inmates constantly discuss whops. Well, think about it, so would you if your bumbags were under the thread of being cut to tatters with a cane twenty-four-seven. One of the main characters Debs Morton maintains a fictional blog called Debs Diary where she posts learned treatises on subjects such as ‘Six of the Best is Always the Best’ and ‘The Five-Minute Six’.

She is, of course, an internationally respected pundit on the subject. On her blog she acknowledges that for a minx of her stature and experience three or four cuts of the cane are not really adequate and although painful they are a mere inconvenience. She observes that an extra two strokes is ample to fully get the attention and will result in the feeling that smoke is billowing out from beneath her skirt for several hours; particularly if the sixth stroke, known as the ‘closer’ is properly applied.

Experienced and skilled practitioners with the cane like to finish a caning with a ‘Five-Bar Gate’. For the uninitiated this means slicing the last stroke diagonally across the existing five strikes and is guaranteed to be a nerve-jangling, eye-watering, teeth-chattering experience for the luckless recipient.

Aficionados, including my Beloved Jojo, concur that in their opinion, six is the optimum number and, although they can undoubtedly absorb more strokes, to avoid any latent wriggling, squirming, hopping, rubbing or squeaking while going about their daily business, further strokes are unnecessary.

Deborah goes on to offer the thesis that five minutes is the perfect timing for delivery of six of the best. “First there should be a sixty second set-up where you are in position over the back of a straight-backed chair (or another appropriately selected furnishing) with your skirt neatly turned back. This might not seem long but I can assure you a lot goes through your mind when you’re head down, arse up for sixty seconds. Next come the actual whops. One every thirty seconds, which gives you sufficient time to experience the full cycle of each stroke. Finally we should be given another sixty seconds to gather ourselves before being given the release command. It is an extremely practical approach to caning and very fair on the recipient. We know exactly what to expect and there are no surprises.”

I have to say that this all seems quite reasonable to me but feel free to comment if you should have other opinions … Thanks for dropping by … R.

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