A Spanking Burlesque

I am pleased to report that I have now finished Volume 36 – A Spanking Burlesque of the Woody Back to School Unit saga and have posted a free sample chapter on the Woodettes Publications page. I’d like to thank everybody who had bought the full versions of Volumes 1 to 5 over at the Woodettes Storefront; more volumes are being lovingly prepared for publication and will be available soon.

I am occasionally asked about my school-day reminiscences and how much corporal punishment was actually practiced. Of course as a writer I am given to gross exaggeration when simple embellishment would suffice but I encourage anybody interested in the subject to visit ‘Who Got Spanked’, where Paul has compiled hundreds of extracts from Friends Reunited that refer to the disciplinary regimes of the sixties and seventies. These are strictly the memories of women who were the product of the last cane generation. The site should provide more than enough evidence to satisfy the Doubting Thomas’s amongst you as these are just extracts from otherwise vanilla posts. 

I chose to set the Woody Back to School Unit saga in contemporary England in order to allow the inmates access to modern technology such as laptops, the internet, smart-phones and all kinds of other useful gadgetry.

My old chum Nix fancied herself as something of a geek so I have made her the resident techno-wizard at the unit. In this extract from Volume 36 – A Spanking Burlesque she uses technology to embarrass the units most hated Dame, Patty Hodge.

By this juncture in the saga the Grand Master, Mr Humphries, has usurped the power of the tyrannical group of Dames known as the Radical Right and they are a spent force. The unit matron, Katie Beck, is blackmailing Patty with secret tapes that hold evidence of her atrocities and has pulled a palace coup and taken over as Commandant of the Radical Right. For years Patty has treated Katie as her personal serf and she is determined to reap her revenge.

I hope you enjoy the extract and maybe it will prompt you to BUY THE BOOKS!

“I beat Booker fucking bandy,” gloated Patty in the saloon bar of the Bunch of Grapes.

“Rosemary Booker!” interrupted Katie testily. “You were specifically assigned to whop Morton and you allowed yourself to get distracted?”

Patty Hodge scowled at Katie. “I did not have the even the slightest hint of a reason to whop Morton. She handed in one of the best reports I’ve ever seen and then sat quietly throughout the lecture and answered every question I asked her. I’m under close surveillance. I can’t just whop the Red-shirt for no reason no matter how much I’d like too.”

“I’m sorry Patty,” drawled Katie Beck. “It was a priority assignment and you let me down. I’m afraid I’m going to have to slipper you in the morning. Drop by before brekker and make sure that you’re fully clobbered up.”

Patty’s eyes grew as large as saucers. “What did you just say?” she gasped.

“You heard me,” snapped Katie. “It’s new Radical Right policy. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, now buy me another drink!”

Deborah woke up startled.

“Ms Hodge,” she gasped, “what are you doing here?”

“You’ve got to help me,” slurred Patty. She staggered backwards and nearly tripped over.

Debs reached over and turned on the bedside light, trying to wake up and gather her senses.

“Help you?” she asked, “are you in trouble, is something going on?”

Patty stumbled across the room. “Where do you sleep the stink around here?” she muttered.

“If it’s a drink you’re looking for there’s a bottle of wine in the fridge,” said Debs. She swung her legs off the bed and slid her feet into her slippers. She pulled on her dressing gown and followed Patty into the living room.

“I have to cane you,” slurred Patty.

“Excuse me?” gasped Deborah. “What did you just say?”

“I need to cane you,” said Patty as she poured a large slug of wine into a tumbler. “Otherwise slipper will Katie me in the morning.”

Deborah was waking up fast. “Slipper will Katie you in the morning?” she laughed. “Ms Hodge I think you may have had one scoop too many, perhaps you should retire to your quarters.”

“You don’t understand,” said Patty. “If I cane you tonight then I’ll have completed my ashinement and that crafty little bitch won’t be able to shlipper me in the morning.” Patty sat down and took a deep draft of wine. “Where do you keep your canes?” she asked. “I promise I’ll pull the strokes.”

“We need to get her to bed,” Debs told Jojo, Nix and Rosemary. “She’s away with the pigeons. Let’s just get her over to her apartment and tuck her in.”

Nixdown looked incredulous. “She breaks into your study asking to cane you and you want to tuck her up in bed? Debs, she hates you, why would you do her any favors?”

Debs shrugged. “I know she hates me and the feeling’s mutual but she’s still part of Woodyworld and we have to look after our own. But I would like to be a fly on the wall when Katie slippers her in the morning,” she chuckled.

“Katie’s going to slipper Patty?” asked Jojo.

“Apparently so,” yawned Debs.

“That I’d love to see,” giggled Rosemary.

“Your wish is my command,” replied Nix. “Let’s get these sorry bones over to her apartment and then I’ll go rig up a camera in Katie’s office. There’s going to be some prime breakfast viewing in the morning.”

Janet Mitchell’s legs were kicking and her head was shaking from side to side.

“But I’m not allowed in the Brass quarters without supervision!” she wailed. Janet Mitchell was finding it hard to carry out a coherent conversation while she was pinned face down across Katie’s lap having her bottom pounded with a leather soled slipper.

“I’ll give you a pass and a key. You’ll be one hundred per cent legitimate,” Katie assured her as she slapped the slipper down. “Tell Patty if she’s not here in twenty minutes we’re going onto overtime rates.”

Katie yanked Janet to her feet and shoved her towards the door. “You’d better cut along sharpish Bitchypoo; I’d hate to have to slipper you again.”

Janet Mitchell was sweating. The journey from Katie’s office to the wing of the building that housed the Brass Quarters was a busy thoroughfare and already there were prefects beginning to mill about. Running in the corridors, landings, stairwells, cloisters and the quadrangle was strictly prohibited and was rewarded with a mandatory six of the best. Janet’s backside was smarting badly from her encounter with the sole of Katie’s slipper and she didn’t need any further excitement underneath her skirt. She walked as fast as she dared, slowing down whenever she noticed a pre with her fingers twitching on her ashplant.

Patty did not react well to Mitch the Bitch wringing out a towel that had been soaked in ice cold water all over her face. In fact she reflexively grabbed Janet by the hair, yanked her down across the bed and gave her a damn good dusting.

The exertion exhausted Patty and she sank back into her pillows. She felt rougher than a badgers arse.

Janet scrambled to her feet. “Katie wants you,” she said bitterly, “and I hope she flays you alive.”

“Fuck Katie, get me some coffee,” snarled Patty.

“Piss off,” retorted Janet. “I don’t work for you, I work for Katie. Get your own coffee and by the way if you ain’t in her office in twelve minutes, all clobbered up you’re in for double-bubble.”

Patty shook her head in an effort to clear her befuddlement. She was sure she was still asleep and having a bad nightmare. She sat up slowly and pinched herself which proved to be a bad idea. Unfortunately she appeared to be in the land of the half-living-dead and she sensed that there were untoward events afoot.

She looked around the room. Janet had taken up a secure position out of yanking distance.

“What the fuck are you doing in my bedroom,” growled Patty.

“I’ve been assigned to escort you to Katie’s,” said Mitch the Bitch sullenly. “And mark my words I will be reporting your assault on a senior official of the SS.”

Patty scratched her head. She was beginning to get an uneasy feeling that there were specters from the previous evening lurking about in the ether ready to pounce on their prey.

The Woody gals were crowded around flat screen Hi-Def TV’s patiently waiting for the video feeds from Katie’s office. The slippering of Janet Mitchell had been an unexpected bonus but they were all waiting for the main event.

Bernadette Summers was rubbing her bumbags with glee. She was offering a ‘she’ll never show’ bet at short odds and the wager was attracting barrow loads of quids.

Katie Beck was pacing her lair impatiently. It was imperative that the disciplinary spanking occur before or during the breakfast period. The Grand Master took coffee in his private quarters and didn’t arrive until he needed to pick up his papers before assembly. Slipping Patty in and out dressed in full clobber required military efficiency. She looked down at her wristwatch; things were not going to plan.

She frowned; Janet’s failure to deliver her consignment punctually was a concern that would need to be slippered out further.

Of greater concern was Patty’s overt insubordination. She picked up her cell phone and speed dialed Patty’s number.

“Where are you?” she demanded.

“Piss off, Katie,” snarled Patty.

Katie laughed. “You’ll get your sorry arse over here if you know what’s best for you,” she told her former mentor. “I’ve been reviewing the emails you sent out. Do you remember when you put the ‘Get Brompton’ plan into motion and got her a formal house beating? It’s all here. I’m sure Lady Victoria will read these emails with great interest when I post them on the GalGab website. Time is running out Patty. I’ll give you fifteen minutes and then I’m going public.” Katie slapped her phone shut before she could hear Patricia Hodge’s anguished wail.

The Woody gals clapped and whooped and stomped their feet as Patty entered Katie’s study.

“Do they know they’re on candid camera?” asked Jojo.

Nixdown chuckled. “I secreted a fish-eye lens in the light fitting, they’ll never notice.”

Patty was not looking her best. Having almost lost her blazer, blouse and bumbags when Patty showed up the Bounder was taking bets whether the former Deputy Grand Dame would chuck her cookies up on the carpet even before she’d taken a trip over Katie’s knee.

Nixdown scowled. The audio feed was not working well and it was hard to make out the exact wording of the confrontation going on in the room. One thing was certain Patty was furious and Katie was looking like the cat that got the cream. Nix hurried out and raced across to the security room, she dearly wanted to catch the whole altercation.

“Times have changed Patty. You can consider yourself fortunate to be getting off so lightly. In the future I will not tolerate failure to complete your assignments.” said Katie imperiously. “You have forty eight hours to beat Morton or I am suspending you from the Radical Right.”

Nix fiddled with the dashboards on her central processing unit. Somehow she must have failed to make a proper connection when she was rigging Katie’s office. She cussed herself out, she would have loved to have been able to hear the conversation but she had to satisfy herself with the sight of Katie Beck leading Patty towards the laundry chest.

The Woody gals watched gleefully as Katie Beck slapped the slipper down on Patty’s bare behind. Apparently Patricia Hodge was not taking the slippering quietly; even though the audio feed was down the video left no doubt that the former Deputy Grand Dame was cussing up a blue storm. At one point Patty even managed to chomp her gnasher’s into Katie’s ankle causing them to end up taking an unseemly tumble onto the floor. The inmates tickled their ribs with laughter at the burlesque performance.

Patty wriggled across the quadrangle. She did her best to avoid the knowing smiles of the Woody gals making their way towards the cafeteria to grab some takeout brekker before lectures began. She staggered into the wing of the facility that housed the Brass quarters and hurried up to her apartment. Once she was inside she reached into her blazer pocket and extracted the folded piece of paper that Katie had slipped her before she left. She groaned out-loud.

It was all there in black and white. Her specific instructions to Yvonne Godfrey, Janet Mitchell and the Wart of how they were to stitch up Lady Victoria Brompton and have her subjected to an ignominious full collar walk-through and a formal house beating. She groaned again. It was just one of hundreds of emails that were supposed to have been destroyed. It was unthinkable that her once trusted comrade in the fight against minxdom had secretly stashed them away and was now using them for her own diabolical devices.

Patty Hodge hurried to the bathroom, fell to her knees and promptly called up ‘Harry’ on the big white telephone.

Nixdown clicked the Upload button on her screen. “Go thee into cyber-space, you evil bitch,” she giggled.

Rosemary laughed. “By the end of the day thousands of Woodettes are going to be peeing in their pants at Patty’s expense.”

“Gosh I wish we could have heard them bitching each other out,” said Jojo. “It would great to know what they were talking about.”

“Oh there’s no mystery about that,” said Debs. “They were talking about ‘Get Morton’. Patty told me the whole story last night. She’s quite mouthy when she’s in her cups.”

Mr Humphries watched the video upload on his laptop computer with great amusement. Clearly all was not at peace amongst the Radical Right. He pressed a button on his desk-phone.

“Katie,” he said, “stop by when you have a few moments.”

Katie Beck’s face had turned the color of a well ripened tomato. Her mouth had dropped open and her eyes were as big as saucers as she watched the video.

“Where did you get this?” she gasped. “This was private business.”

“Not so private now I’m afraid,” said Mr Humphries calmly. “It’s freely available on the net. I’m sure Patty must be delighted.”

Katie looked like she might faint. It was impossible. She had hacked into the system and over-ridden the surveillance cameras in her office. She was confident that even Ellen Millar wouldn’t notice as the downtime would occur during the brekker period. As soon as Patty had hurried out of her office she had switched the camera’s on as usual. It was inconceivable that these tapes could have been made.

“It was private business,” she protested again. “I made a bet with Patty and she lost. You know how it is around here, all we did was bet our bumbags against each other.”

Mr Humphries grinned to himself. Of course there was nothing wrong with Patty and Katie making sporting wagers using their personal bumbags as stake-money. The Grand Master took the view that a gal could do what she wanted with her bumbags. However, he suspected there was a more complex back-story behind the slippering. Clearly Patty hadn’t taken kindly to being put over Katie’s knee. He would dearly love to get his hands on the audio feed.

When Katie had scurried out of his office he had called Ex-Police Sergeant Ellen Millar and asked what the regular CCTV tapes showed.

“I’m sorry sir,” said Ellen. “Somebody hacked into the system and turned everything off. It was probably Katie. She has full admin rights, but I can’t prove it. But I’ve been reviewing the tapes from last night and there was something queer going on. I let Patty’s taxi in around eleven o’clock. She didn’t go straight to bed. She went over to the quarter’s wing. Wait a minute and I’ll track her movements. She’s inside climbing the stairs. She’s gone all the way to the Elite landing and she’s going into Debs study.”

“What time was that?” asked the Grand Master.

“As I say a few minutes past eleven,” said Ellen.

“What was Deborah’s training schedule this morning?” asked the Grand Master.

Ellen checked the tapes. “She was up really early. She was outside the stables at five-forty-five. Jeez, she did a hundred one arm press-ups while she was waiting for Ms Lummell. That gal’s getting in shape.”

“So she would have turned in early,” said the Grand Master thoughtfully. “She would have been asleep when Patty went visiting.”

“I guess so,” said Ellen. “As I say there is something queer about all this.”

“Wait a minute,” she said. “I’ve run the tape forward. Debs has rounded up the Famous Four and they’re helping Patty out of the study. It looks like they’re taking her home.”

“Hmm,” said the Grand Master.

“It’s private business, sir,” Debs told the Grand Master. “Ms Hodge had a little too much to drink in the Bunch of Grapes. She wasn’t thinking straight. I calmed her down and we helped her back to her apartment and put her to bed. It was nothing, sir,” she told him insistently.

Mr Humphries wasn’t surprised when Patty called in sick. According to Ellen and Deborah she had been as drunk as a sack and was probably suffering a hangover of monumental proportions. He called several of the Old Gals and arranged for them to sit in for Patty in the lecture rooms.

Patty staggered out of the bathroom. She went into the bedroom and collapsed backwards on the bed pressing a cold compress to her brow. Her backside was burning ferociously. Bitch Katie had worked her over relentlessly, but the mists of memory were beginning to clear and she was piecing together the events of the latter part of the previous evening. She vaguely remembered the taxi ride back to the facility and deciding to avail upon Deborah Morton’s better nature to get her out of a squeeze.

Patty groaned. What had she been thinking? In the cold light of day Patty was beginning to acknowledge that there had been fundamental flaws in her plan. She had never tried to disguise her loathing of Deborah and she was in no doubt that the feeling was reciprocated. The notion that the Red-shirt might choose to let sleeping dogs lie and meekly submit to a gratuitous caning to save Patty’s skin now struck Patty as distinctly improbable.

Patty Hodge held her head in her hands as the bell rang in her apartment giving her a fifteen minute warning that assembly was about to go in to session. She had already called in sick and wanted nothing better than to lie back on the bed and soothe her aching head. Nonetheless she couldn’t settle, instinctively she knew something was afoot. She swung her legs off the bed and unfastened the shoulder buttons of her gymslip. With trembling fingers she unknotted her tie and threw it on the bed. She had difficulty unfastening the buttons of her blouse with her hungover fingers but finally succeeded. She staggered over to her wardrobe and pulled on some clothes. She brushed her bedraggled hair and applied some scant make-up. Patty looked in the mirror. She looked terrible, she felt terrible and she had a terrible feeling that the day was not going to get much better.

The inmates exchanged knowing glances as Patty stumbled into the assembly hall. She looked uncharacteristically disheveled. They watched as she immediately barreled down on Debs.

“We need to talk Deborah,” she said insistently.

Debs almost laughed out loud. It was the first time in almost seven years that Patty had ever addressed her by her first name.

“We have nothing to talk about, Ma’am,” said Deborah evenly. “I’d suggest you take your seat. I think I can hear the Grand Master approaching.”

“Please, Deborah,” whined Patty.

Deborah shook her head. “I have nothing more to say to you Ma’am. Now cut along sharpish, assembly is about to begin.”

Momentarily Patty felt her hatred for Debs rise to the surface and she considered slapping the Red-shirt’s face. However Deborah was staring up at her so implacably Patty reconsidered her strategy and stalked towards the stage.

Katie Beck was watching the activity on the www.woodette.com web-site with an increasing feeling of gloom. The European Woodettes had already seen the video stream and the chat-rooms and forums were already filled with gossip about Patty’s slippering. In a few hours, Katie figured Woodettes all around the globe would be logging into the web-site to be greeted with the news that with just one click of their mouse they could settle back and witness Patty’s humiliation.

Katie Beck suspected that Patty was not going to be best pleased by this turn of events and that it might take more than her collection of dodgy emails to keep the former Deputy Grand Dame at bay.

“Please Deborah, we have to talk,” Patty tried again as she was leaving the assembly hall.

Debs sighed. “What could we possibly have to talk about, Ma’am?” she asked pointedly. “Has Katie given you another ‘Get Morton’ assignment?”

Patty looked alarmed. “You know about that?”

Deborah shook her head incredulously. “Ma’am last night you were as drunk as three lords and half a dozen hand maidens. You did not skimp on the details.”

Patty narrowed her eyes conspiratorially. “Then you do understand that this is all Katie’s idea,” she said unctuously. “I know we’ve had our differences in the past Deborah but that’s behind us now. We need to work together to stop Katie.”

Deborah laughed in Patty’s face. “You’re absolutely pathetic,” she said scornfully. “Now why don’t you just cut along and let me get on with my duties.”

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” growled Patty. “You’re making a big mistake, Morton, I can tell you.”

“Oh, Morton is it now? What happened to Deborah?” grinned the Red-shirt. “And by the way, I can understand you being mad at Katie; that looked like one damn good slippering she gave you.”

Patty gasped. “Waddayamean?”

“Oh just go look on the Woodettes web-site,” laughed Deborah casually. “Your Technicolor arse is the main attraction for all the world to see.”

Patty stared at Deborah.

Debs winked at Patricia. “Have a good day Ma’am,” she smiled and then calmly walked away.

Patty lay on her bed and sobbed. She had called in a second time and reported that her headache had returned. It was not a great stretch of the truth; her temples were actually pounding horrendously. She tried to think but the effort exhausted her. She knew that there was only one thing that could relieve the anxiety attack she was suffering from. She clambered off the bed and hurried to her closet. She extracted her secret effigy and snatched down a cane. The only thing left to decide was which pair stolen of bumbags to stretch across the polystyrene buttocks, Katie’s or Debs?

I hope you enjoyed the extract and remember cut along sharpish to the Woodettes Storefront and BUY THE BOOKS! … lol ..Bottoms Up! Thanks for stopping by … RH

Don’t Forget – Free Chapters of the Woody Back to School Unit spanking saga are available at the Woodettes Publications Page.